My most recent placement is a 15 yr old girl, 1/2 polynesian 1/2 white. She has not had a lot of extended family interaction in the past couple of years. She moved into my home the first week of May (1 month today, actually!) and we've visited her mom 4 times, and her dad 2x...she's played a family football game and been to a big brothers high school graduation party.
She was moved to my home specifically to be adopted because for the past 4 years no one else would legally commit to her. I'm committing. So, she talks to me now and then about not wanting to change her last name to mine, because hers is Samoan...it is her culture; she LOOKS LIKE her last name. And I would say to her, "okay, that's fine. There's no law that says you HAVE TO take my last name when I adopt you."
A few nights ago, when she returned from a family football game, she said, "it felt so good to be surrounded by my family, I thought 'this is my family'". I could feel the comfort in her voice. Upon my daughters return, I met an Auntie of hers, a woman who obviously loves and adores my girl...I welcomed her into our home and we visited a while. She almost was crying because I trusted her to take my girl for a visit and trusted her to bring her back. Sometimes you just get a feeling about people, dontcha? This lady is the goods. She looks you in the eye when she talks to you, she DID pick up and drop off on time. I am more apt to say 'sure, take her again!' when the opportunity arises. And the cousins!!! So many cousins!!! LOL!
Last night she told me she would like to hyphenate our two names when it comes time to be adopted, to keep her own and to add mine. I asked her why she wants to do that and she said, 'i want to feel like I belong to your family'. Wow...that was brave and insightful of her. I told her whatever she decides, I'll support.
It also will not be surprising if we have this conversation 15 more times before mid-November...which is when we'd like to finalize the adoption. I can not imagine what I would have felt when I was 15 and had a decision like this in front of me. My girls are amazing survivors...tough little gals with big hearts and big conflicts...'which family do I belong to?' 'can I belong to more than one?'
1 comment:
That girl has a lot of wisdom. When she left my house, she told my daughter she couldn't promise her something in particular because it might not happen. I thought, "I wish we could all follow that principle."
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