Utah takes good care of its foster parents. Each year they have something called a Facilitator Retreat, (and it's all paid for) for those foster parents who are Cluster Facilitators.
Let me explain who these Cluster Facilitators are: First of all a 'Cluster' is a geographical grouping of foster parents (for instance those who live in Eagle Mountain and Saratoga Springs are in the Crossroads Cluster, those who live in Provo and Orem are in the Central cluster); sometimes it's a specialized group of foster parents (like those who are kinship caregivers, or adoptive families, or Level 3 caregivers). Secondly, a 'facilitator' is a volunteer licensed foster parent who leads this group; they set up trainings, they keep in touch with other families, the regional trainer and retention specialist through emails and websites, and they offer support to newer licensed foster parents.
Because of that spirit of volunteerism, once a year in April, the Utah Foster Care Foundation provides a 1 and 1/2 day retreat/training for those facilitators and their spouses. The hours spent in training count as hours towards re-licensing requirements.
Today I sat in the audience while two state program directors (Tonya Albornoz and Marty Shannon) spoke about recent Legislative updates and the new assessment tool which DCFS is instigating (called Child and Adolescent Needs and Strengths assessment (CANS) for better placement and treatment decisions). Both ladies were open to input and were articulate in the direction the Division was headed. The UFCF also brought in a currently licensed set of foster parents, and one of the state trainers to speak on their areas of expertise. We learned together, we laughed together, and it was all covered by the generosity of the UFCF.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
The Art of Apologizing
My two oldest girls, FiBo and MiChi (pronounced Mitchee) were asked to participate on a panel of teens to talk about their experiences before, during and after foster care. It was a training specifically for licensed foster parents and it's usually held 2-3 times a year.
I had planned to go with them until 15-20 min before they left; then my youngest, Juby decided she didn't want to go, so I was going to stay home with her. FiBo drives so she took herself and MiChi to American Fork (about 20 miles north of our home).
When they arrived home I asked how it went and I got the typical teen, "fine" from both of them and thought nothing of it...until a few days later when the two facilitators of the training emailed me asking for an 'in-person meeting'.
Hmmmmm.....
The facilitators both showed up solemn affects...they sat in my office and looked at each other. One said, 'we just have to say it'.
Now my mind is racing...what the heck could be so bad? They went on to explain about the poor manners of both girls. They talked about them monopolizing the conversation, one of them ripping up her name tent and tossing pieces of it at her sister, both of the girls having a private conversation in sign language and whispers and one of them telling parts of MY STORY which was not hers to tell.
I was embarassed...i knew my co-worker was in her office and probably heard most of this. I always brag about my girls so this was a tough report to hear. I also was mad and disappointed. Mad that parts of my story were told...without permission and without editing...and that I was disrespected by my own two girls about letting me babysit their babys (when they have them) because they don't trust me with them! What was THAT about?
I really didn't know what to say to these two young ladies...the two facilitators who made this specific appointment with me to tell me what a distraction my girls were, and probably really killed the spirit of the training with their antics...and also with MY TWO young ladies, who now needed a scolding and guidance.
As I drove home I said a little prayer. I wanted to be firm and serious, but I wanted to hear their point of view and make this a learning experience as well. FiBo had texted me about when I would be home...I texted her "Soon, and we have to talk." She asked "Is it serious?" and I replied "Yes.". (Later she told me that when she saw 'yes.' with a period after it, she knew it was serious! Kind of funny how little things like that make an impression)
I walked in the front door and both FiBo and MiChi were in the kitchen waiting for me. I mentioned that the two facilitators from their Teen Panel presentation last week met with me today. I asked them if they could figure out why they'd want to talk to me in person. Both replied that they didn't know. I then went down the list of things that the facilitators mentioned to me and they were quiet. Once or twice they said, 'we were just kidding!' (the part about not wanting me to babysit their kids), but I told them it wasn't received like they thought it was. I told them that apologies are going to be written to both facilitators. I have not had to really 'discipline' my 17 yr old in a long time (FiBo), so it was hard for her to hear my disappointment, and for her to admit she had poor judgment that night. I told them they probably won't sit on the same teen panels anymore, at least for a while....and when they do, I will be in attendance next time.
Simultaneously to this conversation, MiChi was getting ready to go to Las Vegas for a 3-day Choir field trip. I had to get her back to school by 3:00p...it was 2:40 as we were finishing up our conversation. FiBo sat in the living room and began her 45 min of reading (a normal after school requirement) and MiChi ran downstairs to get her things for her trip (which luckily she packed the night before). I leaned down to FiBo and hugged her head and kissed her forehead. I told her I love her and I'd be back in a few minutes.
MiChi wanted to drive. I let her. I was quiet during most of the trip back to Provo High. I didn't want to ruin MiChi's trip any more with a lecture. She must have apologized 3-4 times in the 3 mile drive. I told her, "let's forget about it for now. I want you to have a good time on your field trip." I squeezed her shoulder once or twice as she drove. When we got to the school, she said, 'Hey, let's take my first picture of the trip with me and you!". so, we posed together and she took the picture. She hugged me and skipped off with her things and I told her I loved her. Actually, she said it first, this time.
Sounds like a good place to end this story, but there is one more paragraph that needs to be told. About a week later, when emotions had settled, I had two cards sitting on the kitchen table when they got home from school. I reminded them that it's time to write their apology notes. They both sat down. One said, 'Can't we just call them and say we're sorry?" I said, "No, this is a good time to learn the art of apologizing." They both wrote their notes, when FiBo gave me hers to read I had to ask her to re-write most of it. Yes, she had said she was sorry for her behaviors, but she never listed what the behaviors were. I told her it is important to own your specific poor choices of that evening. She was not happy with me, but she did it. I re-read it and it was much better. They addressed the envelopes, stamped them and we mailed them the next morning.
Damn, it's hard to be a parent of teenagers. But you know what I think? I think they were just being teenagers! I think they were happy to be out without supervision, in a cool truck, sitting on a panel...probably showing off a little. I think they spoke without thinking (teen girls that speak without thinking is pretty normal, right?!!?) and never thought that they were being perceived so poorly. I love my girls very much. Sometimes I just want to hold and cuddle them forever. And just to keep this all in perspective...I get way more good reports about them, than reports like this. I just had to tell you, though...
I had planned to go with them until 15-20 min before they left; then my youngest, Juby decided she didn't want to go, so I was going to stay home with her. FiBo drives so she took herself and MiChi to American Fork (about 20 miles north of our home).
When they arrived home I asked how it went and I got the typical teen, "fine" from both of them and thought nothing of it...until a few days later when the two facilitators of the training emailed me asking for an 'in-person meeting'.
Hmmmmm.....
The facilitators both showed up solemn affects...they sat in my office and looked at each other. One said, 'we just have to say it'.
Now my mind is racing...what the heck could be so bad? They went on to explain about the poor manners of both girls. They talked about them monopolizing the conversation, one of them ripping up her name tent and tossing pieces of it at her sister, both of the girls having a private conversation in sign language and whispers and one of them telling parts of MY STORY which was not hers to tell.
I was embarassed...i knew my co-worker was in her office and probably heard most of this. I always brag about my girls so this was a tough report to hear. I also was mad and disappointed. Mad that parts of my story were told...without permission and without editing...and that I was disrespected by my own two girls about letting me babysit their babys (when they have them) because they don't trust me with them! What was THAT about?
I really didn't know what to say to these two young ladies...the two facilitators who made this specific appointment with me to tell me what a distraction my girls were, and probably really killed the spirit of the training with their antics...and also with MY TWO young ladies, who now needed a scolding and guidance.
As I drove home I said a little prayer. I wanted to be firm and serious, but I wanted to hear their point of view and make this a learning experience as well. FiBo had texted me about when I would be home...I texted her "Soon, and we have to talk." She asked "Is it serious?" and I replied "Yes.". (Later she told me that when she saw 'yes.' with a period after it, she knew it was serious! Kind of funny how little things like that make an impression)
I walked in the front door and both FiBo and MiChi were in the kitchen waiting for me. I mentioned that the two facilitators from their Teen Panel presentation last week met with me today. I asked them if they could figure out why they'd want to talk to me in person. Both replied that they didn't know. I then went down the list of things that the facilitators mentioned to me and they were quiet. Once or twice they said, 'we were just kidding!' (the part about not wanting me to babysit their kids), but I told them it wasn't received like they thought it was. I told them that apologies are going to be written to both facilitators. I have not had to really 'discipline' my 17 yr old in a long time (FiBo), so it was hard for her to hear my disappointment, and for her to admit she had poor judgment that night. I told them they probably won't sit on the same teen panels anymore, at least for a while....and when they do, I will be in attendance next time.
Simultaneously to this conversation, MiChi was getting ready to go to Las Vegas for a 3-day Choir field trip. I had to get her back to school by 3:00p...it was 2:40 as we were finishing up our conversation. FiBo sat in the living room and began her 45 min of reading (a normal after school requirement) and MiChi ran downstairs to get her things for her trip (which luckily she packed the night before). I leaned down to FiBo and hugged her head and kissed her forehead. I told her I love her and I'd be back in a few minutes.
MiChi wanted to drive. I let her. I was quiet during most of the trip back to Provo High. I didn't want to ruin MiChi's trip any more with a lecture. She must have apologized 3-4 times in the 3 mile drive. I told her, "let's forget about it for now. I want you to have a good time on your field trip." I squeezed her shoulder once or twice as she drove. When we got to the school, she said, 'Hey, let's take my first picture of the trip with me and you!". so, we posed together and she took the picture. She hugged me and skipped off with her things and I told her I loved her. Actually, she said it first, this time.
Sounds like a good place to end this story, but there is one more paragraph that needs to be told. About a week later, when emotions had settled, I had two cards sitting on the kitchen table when they got home from school. I reminded them that it's time to write their apology notes. They both sat down. One said, 'Can't we just call them and say we're sorry?" I said, "No, this is a good time to learn the art of apologizing." They both wrote their notes, when FiBo gave me hers to read I had to ask her to re-write most of it. Yes, she had said she was sorry for her behaviors, but she never listed what the behaviors were. I told her it is important to own your specific poor choices of that evening. She was not happy with me, but she did it. I re-read it and it was much better. They addressed the envelopes, stamped them and we mailed them the next morning.
Damn, it's hard to be a parent of teenagers. But you know what I think? I think they were just being teenagers! I think they were happy to be out without supervision, in a cool truck, sitting on a panel...probably showing off a little. I think they spoke without thinking (teen girls that speak without thinking is pretty normal, right?!!?) and never thought that they were being perceived so poorly. I love my girls very much. Sometimes I just want to hold and cuddle them forever. And just to keep this all in perspective...I get way more good reports about them, than reports like this. I just had to tell you, though...
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