Adoption Day

The morning of our adoption, Aubrianna and I decided we didn't have a thing to wear! We rushed to the mall and we both found something we liked. We get home with about 90 minutes to get ready...and really that was plenty of time. Then the phone rings: it's Aubrianna's mom and she wants a ride to the court house to be there during the adoption! I was glad she decided to attend; "Of course we can pick you up!", I declared. On the way to court, we had time for a short ten or fifteen minute discussion about Aubrianna's birth (she weighed 6 lb 7 oz and was 18 1/2" long), her first word (mommy), her age when she walked (12 months). I never would have known these things if I had not cultivated a relationship with her. Even though there are days I am jealous of her (yes, it's true)...today was not one of those days. Today was all about Aubri gaining a forever family. I will be that for her.

Many friends joined us at the courthouse that afternoon. We videotaped a little bit, we took some pictures...small congratulatory gifts were exchanged. By 2:30 we were in the court room. I've known this judge about 15 years. She had me introduce everyone in the room; I proudly did so.

About mid-way through the quiet time of the judge reading the post-adoptive report, I heard crying behind me. It was Aubri's mom; I knew this would be tough for her. I handed her a box of Kleenex. I grasped her hand and squeezed it. Then I had to hug her. I whispered, 'thank you' to her and she whispered the same thing back to me. We held each other tight for maybe 30 seconds. It wouldn't be the only time she would cry today....

See, about 3 years ago when Aubrianna's mom signed away her parental rights she was not in a very healthy place in life. She did not have a permanent place to live or a regular income; but her life today was different. She's had the same job for 30 months,and she's lived in the same apartment for 15 months. That is enough to show me that she is maturing and settling down. She is not a safety risk to her/my/OUR girls.

The next court activity was to bang the gavel and declare the adoption legal. The judge has an oversized gavel especially for adoption days. My soon-to-be daughter took the gavel in both hands (it's about 3 feet long) and banged it on the wooden block and declared "My new name is Aubrianna Lynnea Zelenak". Pictures were snapped, those in attendance clapped and smiled. The judge asked if anyone else would like to hit the gavel and the first one up was Aubri's mom.

Initially, I thought, she wants to be funny, so she's gonna hit the gavel. But as I thought about it, I don't think that's what she 'planned' to do. I don't think 'funny' had anything to do with it. I think she wanted to tell me that she also approves of this adoption and her hitting the gavel on the block was to say, "I approve and accept this decision". That was the most supportive thing she could have done. I wonder if Aubrianna thought this?

We couldn't take Aubri's birth mom home because we had celebratory plans at Red Lobster. I thought about her a lot that day and evening hoping she was emotionally okay.

I also didn't just adopt Aubrianna that day, I adopted more than that, I adopted her history, her culture, her ancestors. We are all linked. If you can picture the grafting of a healthy branch into a healthier tree, well, that's one way to look at it. But what I did, was to cut her family tree vertically down to include her roots and we are grafting that into the trunk of my tree. Her roots will mingle with mine and we will grow as a family - two families, to begin with.... :)

It's a Girl!

I can hardly believe I haven't posted my adoption announcement yet! I'm due on: July 20th at 2:00pm and it's a girl! She's 5 weeks from being 17 yrs old. She is an avid reader and she LOVES Michael Jackson! This week she got her learners permit! We figured out just today that it will be 9 months and 1 day since she moved in with me, that the adoption will take place. I ordered the 'it's a girl' announcements and they should be here within 2 weeks. Watch your mail! One benefit I'm really looking forward to after the adoption, is POSTING PICTURES! We're not allowed to do that while our kids are still in foster care...it's a safety/confidentiality issue.

My parents are thrilled to be able to dote on another grand daughter! My brother is going to be an 'uncle' for the first time. I turned 50 last week and I'm going to be a mother for the first time!

My 'daughter-to-be' wants to invite her birth mom to our adoption. I hope she'll come. As long as she remains healthy, she can be as active a part in our life as my (our) daughter wants her to be.

The Inner Conflict of Name Changing at Adoption

My most recent placement is a 15 yr old girl, 1/2 polynesian 1/2 white. She has not had a lot of extended family interaction in the past couple of years. She moved into my home the first week of May (1 month today, actually!) and we've visited her mom 4 times, and her dad 2x...she's played a family football game and been to a big brothers high school graduation party.

She was moved to my home specifically to be adopted because for the past 4 years no one else would legally commit to her. I'm committing. So, she talks to me now and then about not wanting to change her last name to mine, because hers is Samoan...it is her culture; she LOOKS LIKE her last name. And I would say to her, "okay, that's fine. There's no law that says you HAVE TO take my last name when I adopt you."

A few nights ago, when she returned from a family football game, she said, "it felt so good to be surrounded by my family, I thought 'this is my family'". I could feel the comfort in her voice. Upon my daughters return, I met an Auntie of hers, a woman who obviously loves and adores my girl...I welcomed her into our home and we visited a while. She almost was crying because I trusted her to take my girl for a visit and trusted her to bring her back. Sometimes you just get a feeling about people, dontcha? This lady is the goods. She looks you in the eye when she talks to you, she DID pick up and drop off on time. I am more apt to say 'sure, take her again!' when the opportunity arises. And the cousins!!! So many cousins!!! LOL!

Last night she told me she would like to hyphenate our two names when it comes time to be adopted, to keep her own and to add mine. I asked her why she wants to do that and she said, 'i want to feel like I belong to your family'. Wow...that was brave and insightful of her. I told her whatever she decides, I'll support.

It also will not be surprising if we have this conversation 15 more times before mid-November...which is when we'd like to finalize the adoption. I can not imagine what I would have felt when I was 15 and had a decision like this in front of me. My girls are amazing survivors...tough little gals with big hearts and big conflicts...'which family do I belong to?' 'can I belong to more than one?'