She is 15years old. She is experiencing grief and loss...as she transitions from what was promised to be an adoptive, forever family...but turned into just another pit stop on the way to my home. She is angry: she is also in an anger management group for about 6 weeks...3 days a week. I don't blame her for feeling angry...she's been rejected again. And from what she's told me, she's been in a strict living environment, run by a German grandmother, not really by the foster mom.
As I dropped her off at school one day this week, I said, 'see you at quattro!", she said, 'why do you speak spanish, you're white?!"...with a little animosity. Then later, when I was picking her up from anger mgmt group, as she got into the truck, I pointed out the sneakers of one of the girls and said, "i love those sneakers!" and she said, 'what kind of people look at other people's feet?" She is angry with the system, her caseworker, her last foster mom who wouldn't give her a forever home, and with me for offering to give her a forever home. This little gal is conflicted. I really feel for her.
It is a prayer of mine that I will be a positive influence in her life. I will be a grafted-in branch of her family tree. I will support her relationships with her siblings and her birth parents, as long as it's safe, and I can almost assure safety in any visit I am supervising. Not that I am fool-proof, but I understand that safety is relative, especially in regards to relatives.
I love teenagers! God bless teenagers! Especially the ones in my house....
Monday, May 17, 2010
A Sweet 90 minutes! (our Mother's Day visit)
A sweet 90 minutes...that's what the visit was with the birth mom of two of my girls. I went in alone at first, to remind their birth mom of appropriate behavior and conversation. Nothing inappropriate EVER came up. As soon as the girls walked in to her apartment the three of them hugged and held on to each other for about a full minute. I took a picture that I will cherish forever. I gave a copy to each of the girls and made a 5x7 which is framed in our living room. We gave their birth mom the pictures we took of all the siblings, she loves them. There was soda and treats and a balloon fight, feline games and snuggling on the couch, reminiscing. 90 minutes of sweetness. I do not regret that visit. I am proud of the girls and their mom for their open hearts. There is a love in this relationship that I will never know, a deep, loyal love that only is known and shared between by a birth parent and her children.
I am hoping I gave this family a forever memory. I want to have openness in this upcoming adoption; if it will be safe for the girls they deserve root-full connections.
May God continue to bless the Utah foster care system.
I am hoping I gave this family a forever memory. I want to have openness in this upcoming adoption; if it will be safe for the girls they deserve root-full connections.
May God continue to bless the Utah foster care system.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
It's almost Mother's Day....and I'm choosing worms.
The second Sunday in May is for remembering our mothers. I am working hard to re-introduce 'my girls' to their birth mom. She lives less than 2 miles from where we live. I visited with her last Sunday to take a couple of pictures of her; and to talk with her about what she'd like to see for her girls. I emailed the caseworker of the two girls (two sisters) in my home asking for permission to take their mom out for a Mother's Day lunch, with her girls.
The girls and I are going to meet with their brothers this weekend to take more pictures, so I can frame them and have them give it to their mom for Mother's Day. Their mom has had the same job for 27 months, and lived in the same home for a year now. I will be with the girls during any visits we have and I will remind their birth mom not to talk 'big people talk' with them, or to bad-mouth their dads. Other than that, it should go just fine...
A couple of weeks ago the caseworker expressed concern to me about my wanting to do this, she said 'You'll be opening a can of worms'. But, roots are more important than worms, and I can clean up the worms I release...but I won't be able to look my girls in the eyes, as the years go by, to tell them why I never encouraged them to have a relationship with their mother. So, I'm choosing the worms (if there really are any). Anyway, worms live around roots, don't they? It kinda comes with the territory!
And I can hardly wait to see them together on Mother's Day. Their mom deserves it and her (our) girls do, too.
The girls and I are going to meet with their brothers this weekend to take more pictures, so I can frame them and have them give it to their mom for Mother's Day. Their mom has had the same job for 27 months, and lived in the same home for a year now. I will be with the girls during any visits we have and I will remind their birth mom not to talk 'big people talk' with them, or to bad-mouth their dads. Other than that, it should go just fine...
A couple of weeks ago the caseworker expressed concern to me about my wanting to do this, she said 'You'll be opening a can of worms'. But, roots are more important than worms, and I can clean up the worms I release...but I won't be able to look my girls in the eyes, as the years go by, to tell them why I never encouraged them to have a relationship with their mother. So, I'm choosing the worms (if there really are any). Anyway, worms live around roots, don't they? It kinda comes with the territory!
And I can hardly wait to see them together on Mother's Day. Their mom deserves it and her (our) girls do, too.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Staying Stuck
Last Friday was 'early out' day for my 10 yr old. I asked her if she wanted to run some errands with me before her sister got home (it's always nice to spend one on one time with her). We headed out to the truck and I got in and buckled up; then she jumped into the passenger seat and buckled up. Now, I need to share a little bit of history with you. Normally, she rides in the back because the sign on my visor says 'children under 12 may be killed by airbag deployment'...or something like that. So the rule in our house is: Until your 13th b-day, you sit in the back seat. She has never tested this before today. So, I thought, 'Don't get bent out of shape over this, Nance. Just calmly remind her of the rule.' So, I did.
ME: "Dear, you need to sit in your seat, remember?"
HER: "No, I want to sit up here with you, today. PLEASE?"
ME: "Sorry, kiddo. The rule is, not till you're 13. Go on, jump in back."
HER: "Come on Nancy, PLEEEEEEASE?"
ME: "We'll just sit here in the garage, until you sit in your seat." and I turned the radio on
HER: "Fine!" (as in, 'i'm fine sitting here in the garage listening to the radio')
We sit there, we talk, we sing a few lyrics...and she asks:
HER: "So are we going, or what?"
ME: "As soon as you buckle up in the back."
HER: (pause) "Fine....(this time it's the 'Fine, I give up, I'll move to the back.')
She unbuckles from the front. I have bucket seats in the front of my truck so she begins to squish her behind through the seats into the back (remember she is only 10 and she is quite petite). She slips down between the seat and the middle console where the bottom 1/2 of her legs still lay.
HER: "I'm stuck!!!"
ME: "No, you're not, come on, now, get up."
HER: "I can't I'm stuck."
ME: "Please pull yourself up and get into your seat." (i'm starting to get pissed off)
HER: "No, really, I'm stuck, help me."
We have already wasted precious Friday afternoon minutes on this topic; and for some reason, my normally cool demeanor began to bubble up. So, I unbuckle, and I get out of the truck.
ME: "I'm not going to argue with you about this. I'm going to sit in the back and when you pull yourself out, let me know, and we'll go."
I close my door and I immediately hear her begin to wail.
HER: "Naaannncccyy?! I'm STUUUCCCKKK!" and she's crying.
I ignore her...2 minutes....5 minutes....
HER: "Naannnncccyyy!! Pllleeeaaaasssseeee, help!!!" wailing....
I ignore her...8 minutes now....and I'm thinking, "JUST PULL YOURSELF UP!"
10 minutes....and I can't wait it out any longer.
I open the front door of my truck. I don't even have time to say anything. She reaches up to hold the top of the two bucket seats and pulls herself up. I am really mad that she has wasted all of this time over where she's gonna sit in the damn truck! Playing these control games with me. And she's sobbing...trying to catch her breath, type of crying. I just don't get it.
ME: "Why did you choose to stay stuck, when you knew all along how to get out?!"
(As soon as those words came out of my mouth I was furious with myself)
HER: "I guess I just wanted you close."
Oh man...she wanted me close for support? Maybe. Why did I make this such a big deal to begin with? BECAUSE I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES!!!
Foster parenting is showing me how big of an issue that is. Now, to give myself a break, I've lived alone for about 8 years prior to my being a foster parent. And, I've NEVER been a mother before 7 months ago...and I'm 49 yrs old. So, this is a sharp learning curve for me.
So, how did this end? I sat in the back seat. We talked. I hugged her, I kissed her head and we ran our errands and the evening was fine; zero problems. But this phrase that came out of my mouth has been in the forefront of my mind ever since. I have been quite introspective about where I'm 'stuck' myself, and why am I choosing to stay there? Any thoughts?
ME: "Dear, you need to sit in your seat, remember?"
HER: "No, I want to sit up here with you, today. PLEASE?"
ME: "Sorry, kiddo. The rule is, not till you're 13. Go on, jump in back."
HER: "Come on Nancy, PLEEEEEEASE?"
ME: "We'll just sit here in the garage, until you sit in your seat." and I turned the radio on
HER: "Fine!" (as in, 'i'm fine sitting here in the garage listening to the radio')
We sit there, we talk, we sing a few lyrics...and she asks:
HER: "So are we going, or what?"
ME: "As soon as you buckle up in the back."
HER: (pause) "Fine....(this time it's the 'Fine, I give up, I'll move to the back.')
She unbuckles from the front. I have bucket seats in the front of my truck so she begins to squish her behind through the seats into the back (remember she is only 10 and she is quite petite). She slips down between the seat and the middle console where the bottom 1/2 of her legs still lay.
HER: "I'm stuck!!!"
ME: "No, you're not, come on, now, get up."
HER: "I can't I'm stuck."
ME: "Please pull yourself up and get into your seat." (i'm starting to get pissed off)
HER: "No, really, I'm stuck, help me."
We have already wasted precious Friday afternoon minutes on this topic; and for some reason, my normally cool demeanor began to bubble up. So, I unbuckle, and I get out of the truck.
ME: "I'm not going to argue with you about this. I'm going to sit in the back and when you pull yourself out, let me know, and we'll go."
I close my door and I immediately hear her begin to wail.
HER: "Naaannncccyy?! I'm STUUUCCCKKK!" and she's crying.
I ignore her...2 minutes....5 minutes....
HER: "Naannnncccyyy!! Pllleeeaaaasssseeee, help!!!" wailing....
I ignore her...8 minutes now....and I'm thinking, "JUST PULL YOURSELF UP!"
10 minutes....and I can't wait it out any longer.
I open the front door of my truck. I don't even have time to say anything. She reaches up to hold the top of the two bucket seats and pulls herself up. I am really mad that she has wasted all of this time over where she's gonna sit in the damn truck! Playing these control games with me. And she's sobbing...trying to catch her breath, type of crying. I just don't get it.
ME: "Why did you choose to stay stuck, when you knew all along how to get out?!"
(As soon as those words came out of my mouth I was furious with myself)
HER: "I guess I just wanted you close."
Oh man...she wanted me close for support? Maybe. Why did I make this such a big deal to begin with? BECAUSE I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES!!!
Foster parenting is showing me how big of an issue that is. Now, to give myself a break, I've lived alone for about 8 years prior to my being a foster parent. And, I've NEVER been a mother before 7 months ago...and I'm 49 yrs old. So, this is a sharp learning curve for me.
So, how did this end? I sat in the back seat. We talked. I hugged her, I kissed her head and we ran our errands and the evening was fine; zero problems. But this phrase that came out of my mouth has been in the forefront of my mind ever since. I have been quite introspective about where I'm 'stuck' myself, and why am I choosing to stay there? Any thoughts?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Teenage Affection
On Saturday last, my 16 yr old, for the first time in almost six months of living with me, scrunched down under my arm as we sat on the couch visiting with my parents. I could hardly believe she was allowing me to show affection to her in this way! The next day she did the same thing at church!
This young lady was the mom in her family for a number of years. She hardly ever allows herself to be a kid...and it was the first time she actually let me be a nurturing adult to her. It felt good for me, too! I thought it took a lot of courage for her to show me she was willing to sit close to me. To me she was saying: I trust you, I like you, I feel safe with you (maybe I'm reading more into it than was meant, but that's what I heard during these non-verbal conversations). What a brave survivor I have living in my home.
I learn so much from these kids....
This young lady was the mom in her family for a number of years. She hardly ever allows herself to be a kid...and it was the first time she actually let me be a nurturing adult to her. It felt good for me, too! I thought it took a lot of courage for her to show me she was willing to sit close to me. To me she was saying: I trust you, I like you, I feel safe with you (maybe I'm reading more into it than was meant, but that's what I heard during these non-verbal conversations). What a brave survivor I have living in my home.
I learn so much from these kids....
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sharing Expertise in Nancy's Pre Service Trainings
I am very grateful to the DCFS staff, the Office of Licensing staff, birth parents, adopted children and the licensed foster families who attend my classes to share their life experiences (and expertise) to our families in training. I have folks come to at least 4 classes a month to share in first person terms, what I can not. They bring depth, humor and pertinent information to all who hear their messages. Their willingness to share sometimes painful memories shows their strength of character and hopefulness of soul. Many of the staff have to flex their time to work during an evening, to come to my class, when they could be home with their families doing laundry or vegetating in front of American Idol... :)
I don't think it would offend anyone if I told you who I am specifically referring to: So, in alphabetical order, I want to publicly thank:
Rebecca, DA and Anja Anderson, foster/adoptive family
Brandy Anderson, birth parent
Kari Broderick, foster/adoptive family
Joy & Robert Brough, and their children, adoptive family
Aymee Condie, DCFS Caseworker, foster/adoptive/kinship family
Jeanne Finefeuiaki, Office of Licensing
Jessica Hannemann, UFCF Retention Specialist
Trish Jensen, RFC Supervisor at DCFS, adopted
Ami Monsen, foster/adoptive family
Jenn Quigley, Office of Licensing
Shawn & Portia Rapier, adoptive dad
John and Caycee Thill, UFCF, foster/adoptive family
Stevoni Wells-Doyle, birth parent
Christy Tucket,birth parent
It is very rewarding to work with such generous people. I know that not all areas of Utah have the unique working relationships we do in the Western Region of the state and because I'm thinking about these people today, I wanted you to know it, too.
I don't think it would offend anyone if I told you who I am specifically referring to: So, in alphabetical order, I want to publicly thank:
Rebecca, DA and Anja Anderson, foster/adoptive family
Brandy Anderson, birth parent
Kari Broderick, foster/adoptive family
Joy & Robert Brough, and their children, adoptive family
Aymee Condie, DCFS Caseworker, foster/adoptive/kinship family
Jeanne Finefeuiaki, Office of Licensing
Jessica Hannemann, UFCF Retention Specialist
Trish Jensen, RFC Supervisor at DCFS, adopted
Ami Monsen, foster/adoptive family
Jenn Quigley, Office of Licensing
Shawn & Portia Rapier, adoptive dad
John and Caycee Thill, UFCF, foster/adoptive family
Stevoni Wells-Doyle, birth parent
Christy Tucket,birth parent
It is very rewarding to work with such generous people. I know that not all areas of Utah have the unique working relationships we do in the Western Region of the state and because I'm thinking about these people today, I wanted you to know it, too.
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