I Know, I Know - I'm Only Human, But Still....

Yesterday morning was horrible. I'm writing about it because I have to purge myself of this guilty burden; and in my prayers I've found a little space for self-forgiveness; and you have to know that foster parenting is damn hard.
Here's the scenario: I'm watching TODAY to catch up on current events and have a little bit of quiet-me-time before the day begins. I watch the clock tick time away and think 'i gotta get the girls up'. Now, when I say 'the girls', it's just the youngest two (ages 7 & 10) because the older two are gone to school already. But, there was a huge earthquake in Haiti, and I can not bring myself to move away from the news. So, i sit there. And, I sit there....now, we gotta rush.
I go downstairs and turn on their light and say, "Okay, let's go! Get up! Get dressed! We gotta move!"
Moans from under the covers...."I'm tired..." from under the covers....
So, because I selfishly relaxed and took my time to wake up and WHATEVER....now I have to rush these two kids; and one of them is going cross country skiing with her class today...and she should be happy and excited. But, I threw in a parenting control issue to top off the mad rush of the morning. So, as she's falling out of bed with her quilt wrapped around her, I say "Wear one of these turtle neck shirts to go skiing." and the whining begins.... "I don't wanna wear that." and I pull that parent-control-thingy out and I say, "You will wear a turtle neck shirt or you won't go and you can go to work with me, instead." (As soon as I said it, I thought, "Really Nancy, let her pick out her own clothes! NO! I argued with myself in split second time...She has to dress for the activity or she'll be miserable.) and the war was now in full swing.

Now the littlest one has decided that she is not going to get dressed at all. She is standing in the room stark naked screaming "I'm cold!" and I say 'Put on some clothes", and she just screams "I'm cold!" Okay, my frustration cup is over-flowing. I opened her underwear drawer, pulled out some panties, an undershirt and a pair of socks and i threw them at her...and I said, "Put these on." and she screamed "OW! You hurt me!".... The ten year old is whining "Please Nancy, don't make me wear that! PLEASE!" And she starts to cry. I walk out and upstairs. I'm furious that THEY are doing this to me!! (but today, I know it was not done 'to me'....)

So, I hear them both screaming and crying and I hear the door being slammed and I don't dare go back down there. I breathe. I sit in a chair in my bedroom with my head in my hands and I offer up a prayer: "Help me, Lord. Help me calm down. Help me let go of things that don't matter." Someone runs up the stairs...the ten yr old who is going skiing today.
"Nancy PLEASE don't make me wear a turtle neck, they don't match my pants!" I couldn't even look up, all I said was, "I'm praying." and she stomps out saying, "why are you being such a jerk?!" Well, that hit the nail right on the head. I was being a jerk. I stayed there and breathed deeply in and out for about a miinute or so. I hear drawers slamming, I hear the girls arguing.

We are gonna be late for school and i am now past the point of caring. I just want them to emotionally chill out so they can go to school and learn and not act out for their teachers. And I want my little skiier to have fun with her class. I made cookies last night for her to take and share with the kids on her bus; and they turned out FABULOUS (Lehi Roller Mills Choc Chip!). I'm ruining the mood for her fun day. I'm so disappointed in myself.

Back and forth for 5-10 min I hear, "I don't wanna wear this!" and I say "Then you can go to work with me today." and she says "I don't wanna go to work with you!" and I say "Then you'll wear a turtleneck." .... "NNnnoooooooO!" and i say 'yes'. What is going on with me? I don't have PMS....because I don't have a uterus or ovaries anymore, so what the hell?

Somehow we make it into the truck and I drive the ten yr old to school first today (she put on a turtleneck) so she won't be late. When we pull up, I get out and go around to her side; I think she knew what I wanted to do and she opened her arms for a hug. I grab her hard and kiss her forehead and tell her I love her and I'm sorry we had a hard morning. I whispered to her to have a great time skiing and I'm so sorry I was bad this morning. I kissed her again and off she went. One down, one to go.

As we drove to the next school, I apologized to my 7 yr old. I said, "I'm so sorry I threw your underwear at you. I will never do that again. Will you forgive me? " and she softly said, "yes". And I replied, "thank you, hon-" . She too got a big hug and a kiss when she got out of the truck. They both seemed okay as they went into their schools.

I was able to vent a little, and repent a little, with my friend John at work. He reassured me that I'm human and it's okay. But still....

LATER THAT DAY: When I picked up my ten yr old at 3:15 I couldn't wait to hear about her ski trip. She said, 'everyone loved the cookies and they asked me if I made them and I said, 'no, my mom did.' (short pause) Is it okay if I call you 'mom'?"

Thank you, Lord. me

I'm Ready To Cry

The past couple of weeks have brought about much change in my home, my head and the blood pumping organ in my chest. I have been working with my 7 yr olds' daddy to reunite her with him and it's getting close. But the neat thing is: since she's been having more frequent and longer visits her poor behaviors have almost diminished and her rages have subsided, her self destructiveness has disappeared and her affection has increased ten fold! She is hugging me more, she wants piggy back rides, she puts her hand on my leg when we sit close on the couch and just this afternoon she gave me three quick kisses on my cheek while we were visiting with her therapist.

I know I'm sometimes too much of an optimist, but I am so proud of the father, the child welfare system and the specific worker who is assigned to manage this case because we are beginning weekend visits this week! She will be picked up on Friday around 3p and returned Sunday evening. That's the last step before a 'trial home visit', which usually lasts 30 days and then the foster care portion will be complete. Hopefully, we will never again see this awesome survivor in 'the system' again. She'll have her forever family and I'll have my first child achieve permanency.

This little girl told her therapist today that she is tired of bouncing around from one house to another. She wants to live with her daddy forever and just visit me. I thought I was gonna cry. I am so proud that I've been a small branch in her family tree...that maybe I have encouraged that familial relationship to maintain it's strength...and that I have not been part of any type of sabotage to hurt the parent/child relationship. I, after all, am not in this position of being a foster parent to adopt...I am here to reunite if at all possible; and if not, then I want to help a child find a permanent home, a forever family.

My relationship with all four girls in my home continues to improve. If you know (or if I've said it in a previous blog entry), I can not have children of my own and I really wanted to have the parenting experience while I was still young enough and energetic enough...okay, and optimistic enough :) But I had no freaking idea what I was in for. So, when I say 'I'm ready to cry'...it's happy tears. I am beginning to feel the pang of separation and that means I have learned to attach to a child and to be less self-centered, and those things are all good.