5:30p tonight I met with three therapists and the birth parents of a potential placement. We spoke about the girls needs and what I needed to do to prepare my home and myself for her to move in. I needed to install alarms on her bedroom window and door. I needed to learn her therapeutic program which consisted of strict levels; therapeutic and behavioral; which included a type of token system. I began to tell them that I was willing to learn; yet I felt a knot in my stomach which notified me of my dishonesty.
As I drove away from the meeting tonight I was pretty sure I was going to call the caseworker and say, 'this is not the best fit'. So many thoughts were racing in my head. Thoughts like, "but they picked you because of your experience", and "you live in the right city so this girl can get to the right school program" and "they're counting on you" and "they're your friends". Then I thought STOP! If I'm going to agree to do foster care, it has to be right for the child and the right thing for me. I teach potential foster families that they have the right to do what is best for their family; they don't have to accept every child that DCFS calls them about; they won't be black listed or red-flagged if they decide a certain child or children is not going to work out.
They have to put their excitement about 'parenting' second to the best interest of the child.
This young lady was going to require me to have a level system in my home; such a strict environment that she had to earn the privilege of listening to a radio and having spare change in her pocket. Does that sound harsh to you? It does to me, too. But this girl has serious issues that need serious structure and intense supervision. As this group went on to explain why these things needed to be just so, I began to understand the seriousness of this girls emotional and behavioral issues and the commitment that needed to be made.
Most people who know me would not describe me as 'serious' or 'intense'; I think they would describe me as 'free-spirited', 'sponstaneous' and 'laid back'. The way I desire to run my home is different than this young girl needs. And as much as I hate to disappoint the caseworker (my friend), I will have to call her in the morning to say that my home is not the right fit for this young lady. I can not commit to run my home like is needed for her to be successful.
I am not "therapeutic home" material. I am "foster home" material, through and through. Even as I am typing this I feel an emotional weight being lifted. The weight of 'dishonesty' changing places with the freedom of 'honesty'. I am trained to work with unhealthy adults who abuse or neglect their children. 67% of kids in Utah foster care go home to a birth parent or a family member. I WANT to work with those adults; I want to mentor them and help the kids manage their anger and pain and fears until they get to go home . But if the parents are not successful and the kids can not go home or to other family members, I will be there to offer another kind of permanency.
Wish me luck.
3 comments:
Nancy,
I'm proud of you for saying no. I can't begin to imagine how hard that decision was to make but had that young lady come to your home and then you'd decided it didn't work, it would just be proof to her that nothing is permanent and would do more damage. You'd be just one more person for her to manipulate and hurt. Not that they hurt intentionally but....because they hurt......it is their defence mechanism.
My sister lives in the house you just described. She has adopted several special needs kids and boy oh boy. Anything you can imagine....it was done to them plus all of the drug and alcohol fetal stuff that they got to partake of while in the womb which has done incredible damage.
Anyway, because of my sister I am aware of the alarms, the earning very basic priviledges, and it is INTENSE! My sister does not rest emotionally, physically, or mentally for one second because it is all about keeping these kids safe and I have no idea how she does it.
Sadly, with these kinds of kids your home would be damaged too. It's just what they do. They want to push things so far just to prove that they are right. You'll leave them just like everyone else.
So sad........thank goodness for the Atonement because these children most of them will not be whole until the next life.
You're a great person Nancy! You've a great heart and loving home that will be great for those who enter it. I do wish you luck!! Thank you for spending your days and life working in a program that is so difficult but is such a blessing and service to these families.
i'm sure that was a very tough decision. I know how excited you are to have kids in your home. I am also proud of you for listening and responding to your own feelings and i'm sure the voice of the Spirit. You will have lots of opportunities to share and teach and mentor and train and love those kids and parents that come into your life.
Nancy,
I just found your blog from FB and love it! Thanks for your wonderful words and your thoughts. Fostering children is tricky, as you would know, but when we do have those feelings it is better to listen to them in the beginning than to cause more heartache down the road.
To add to the level system...we sure love it. It sometimes seems harsh to others but I ma hopeful that after we have taught our children action and consequences we will be able to do away with the level chart entirely.
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