I talk about it in almost all 8 classes I teach each month, I have guest speakers who reiterate in the telling of their story (Aymee and Stevoni both) that they made choices based on what was best for their kids, not convenient for (or even EXPECTED of) them (as parents). But when the light bulb turns on for me, it isn't 100 watts of understanding. For me, it's a dimmer switch which week by week gets a little brighter.
Today was one of the BEST days I've ever had as a foster mom. It's an uncomplicated answer to a desperate prayer..."God, help me to not take it personally." And I keep the brain tape in loop mode saying: "It's not about you, Nancy, it's about them!" "It's not about you, Nancy, it's about her."
Whatever may tick me off as a foster parent, is NOT directed at me(I know this cognitively, but emotionally...well, I'm human) These kids are working through a bunch of garbage with years of stench built in. They don't trust me yet (and they SHOULDN'T!)...but if I try to 'get even with' a child who is pushing my buttons...well, that's my issue. I don't need to retaliate against a 7 yr old who has years of abuse she is dealing with. I need to hug her, kiss her cheek, stroke her hair and read to her, tickle her, give her choices and praise. I'm getting it! This feels right!
My two oldest girls (13 & 16) went to a youth group meeting at church tonight. They both were wearing zip up sweat shirts (which is very rare...you know teens, they are too cool for sweaters and coats) and so I asked to see what they had on under it. They both had spaghetti strap shirts....not real appropriate for the meeting they were going to. But they already knew that, (that's why they had on sweat shirts, right?!).... so I let them go with their word that they would keep the sweatshirts ON. They both gave me their word. So, we'll see how THAT goes :) But I also know it isnt about pulling one over on the foster mom, it's just that they are teen girls going to a meeting where there will be teen boys. It's not about me. It's about them! And they're AWESOME. : )
My open question to you: Should I insist my teens change their clothes to something more appropriate for the situation, or should I let peer pressure do the parenting for me? I have to pick my battles, right? but I also have to 'parent'.... which means TEACH, MODEL, TEACH, APOLOGIZE...
2 comments:
Kids need structure. They need rules. You're their parent not their friend and there are certain rules and guidlines that the kids need to follow.
Ya, you need to pick your battles. That is a tough one. Only you can know if that is a battle worth picking.
I know the girls in our mutual, I let them peer pressure my girl. She would rebel if I told her but if they tell her it changes. I let her know that I don't agree with her decision. And sometimes it ends up the way I like and sometimes not. But I'm still new to this parenting a teenager too so don't take my word for it.
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