A week ago the four of us went to meet our new Primary Care Physician. My 17 yr old daughter, Aubrianna, wanted a female doctor and didn't want to go to her pediatrician anymore. I found someone I thought she'd like. I made appointments for three of us to get our FLU shots, two of them to get their Gardasil shot, and all of us to meet the doctor.
As my 11 yr old (Aubri's youngest sibling) sat on the paper covered exam bed, her anxiety began to grow. She began to whine and hold/cover her upper arms with her own hands. I thought she was kidding. I may even have verbally reprimanded her. But as the nurse approached my youngest girl with the needle, Aubri stood up and stood right in front of her little sister. She leaned in and they touched foreheads. Aubri held her hands and told her to "just look at me, it'll be over in a minute". Even though her sister whined and tried to pull away from the nurse, Aubrianna knew just what to do. She was comforting and attentive and motherly. I, on the other hand, sat and watched and soaked it in. Yes, I was a little embarassed that I didn't think to do that. But my embarassment turned to awe as I saw my daughter (who has been her sisters mom for close to 11 years) nurture and calm her sister.
I've heard many caseworkers and even therapists recommend that siblings be separated if there are 'parenting issues' or if one of the children is 'parentified'. They say things like, 'it's in the oldest childs best interest', 'it will give them a chance to be a kid'. But my oldest daughter has only lived with me a year and a day...the trust is growing, but it's not at it's pinacle yet. She has a decade more parenting experience than I do (sadly for both of us) and her little sister TRUSTS her. That is the real point, isn't it?
When I earn the trust of my girls, I will be earning the title of MOTHER. As I learn the skills of mothering, I will earn the title of MOM. Oh, yeah...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
I'm so proud....
The past two nights my girls have shared parts of their stories with both 'potential' foster parents (those still in training and waiting for their background checks) and tonight, with licensed foster parents. They share funny stories about things happening in our lives and they share the sad, scary and abusive stuff that happened to them before they came into states custody, as well as the culture-shocky experiences as they transitioned from home to home.
Why did these girls come to my home? We have such an interesting history which goes back five years. Why are their parents willing to have a relationship with me? Why is it getting so comfortable between us all? What does God have planned for us?
My girls are SURVIVORS! Every child who enters the foster care system has survived abuse and neglect serious enough to be removed from their caregivers. Yet they are blessed with talents, intelligence, wisdom, articulate expression, humor and many other gifts. I love them today more than I did yesterday; and I can hardly wait till tomorrow!
Why did these girls come to my home? We have such an interesting history which goes back five years. Why are their parents willing to have a relationship with me? Why is it getting so comfortable between us all? What does God have planned for us?
My girls are SURVIVORS! Every child who enters the foster care system has survived abuse and neglect serious enough to be removed from their caregivers. Yet they are blessed with talents, intelligence, wisdom, articulate expression, humor and many other gifts. I love them today more than I did yesterday; and I can hardly wait till tomorrow!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Farewell to Kelly Glasser ....Guardian ad Litem
Kelly and her husband Joe died in a tragic kayaking accident in Utah over the weekend. I didn't know much about her on a personal level but I worked with her for many years as she represented DCFS children who are in foster care. She had a carefree laugh and along with her long, loose, curly hair those two things symbolized her attitude about life.
Kelly also represented my two daughters in court just weeks ago; they have been on her caseload since the day they entered care 5 years ago. I will have to share with them, today also, of our great loss.
"Guardian ad Litem" is a Latin term meaning, 'Guardian of the child'...she did it in her profession of attorney, and I'm positive she will continue in this work on the other side. May God bless with comfort her family and friends during this unexpected loss (and recovery). I love you Kelli.
Kelly also represented my two daughters in court just weeks ago; they have been on her caseload since the day they entered care 5 years ago. I will have to share with them, today also, of our great loss.
"Guardian ad Litem" is a Latin term meaning, 'Guardian of the child'...she did it in her profession of attorney, and I'm positive she will continue in this work on the other side. May God bless with comfort her family and friends during this unexpected loss (and recovery). I love you Kelli.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Adoption Day
The morning of our adoption, Aubrianna and I decided we didn't have a thing to wear! We rushed to the mall and we both found something we liked. We get home with about 90 minutes to get ready...and really that was plenty of time. Then the phone rings: it's Aubrianna's mom and she wants a ride to the court house to be there during the adoption! I was glad she decided to attend; "Of course we can pick you up!", I declared. On the way to court, we had time for a short ten or fifteen minute discussion about Aubrianna's birth (she weighed 6 lb 7 oz and was 18 1/2" long), her first word (mommy), her age when she walked (12 months). I never would have known these things if I had not cultivated a relationship with her. Even though there are days I am jealous of her (yes, it's true)...today was not one of those days. Today was all about Aubri gaining a forever family. I will be that for her.
Many friends joined us at the courthouse that afternoon. We videotaped a little bit, we took some pictures...small congratulatory gifts were exchanged. By 2:30 we were in the court room. I've known this judge about 15 years. She had me introduce everyone in the room; I proudly did so.
About mid-way through the quiet time of the judge reading the post-adoptive report, I heard crying behind me. It was Aubri's mom; I knew this would be tough for her. I handed her a box of Kleenex. I grasped her hand and squeezed it. Then I had to hug her. I whispered, 'thank you' to her and she whispered the same thing back to me. We held each other tight for maybe 30 seconds. It wouldn't be the only time she would cry today....
See, about 3 years ago when Aubrianna's mom signed away her parental rights she was not in a very healthy place in life. She did not have a permanent place to live or a regular income; but her life today was different. She's had the same job for 30 months,and she's lived in the same apartment for 15 months. That is enough to show me that she is maturing and settling down. She is not a safety risk to her/my/OUR girls.
The next court activity was to bang the gavel and declare the adoption legal. The judge has an oversized gavel especially for adoption days. My soon-to-be daughter took the gavel in both hands (it's about 3 feet long) and banged it on the wooden block and declared "My new name is Aubrianna Lynnea Zelenak". Pictures were snapped, those in attendance clapped and smiled. The judge asked if anyone else would like to hit the gavel and the first one up was Aubri's mom.
Initially, I thought, she wants to be funny, so she's gonna hit the gavel. But as I thought about it, I don't think that's what she 'planned' to do. I don't think 'funny' had anything to do with it. I think she wanted to tell me that she also approves of this adoption and her hitting the gavel on the block was to say, "I approve and accept this decision". That was the most supportive thing she could have done. I wonder if Aubrianna thought this?
We couldn't take Aubri's birth mom home because we had celebratory plans at Red Lobster. I thought about her a lot that day and evening hoping she was emotionally okay.
I also didn't just adopt Aubrianna that day, I adopted more than that, I adopted her history, her culture, her ancestors. We are all linked. If you can picture the grafting of a healthy branch into a healthier tree, well, that's one way to look at it. But what I did, was to cut her family tree vertically down to include her roots and we are grafting that into the trunk of my tree. Her roots will mingle with mine and we will grow as a family - two families, to begin with.... :)
Many friends joined us at the courthouse that afternoon. We videotaped a little bit, we took some pictures...small congratulatory gifts were exchanged. By 2:30 we were in the court room. I've known this judge about 15 years. She had me introduce everyone in the room; I proudly did so.
About mid-way through the quiet time of the judge reading the post-adoptive report, I heard crying behind me. It was Aubri's mom; I knew this would be tough for her. I handed her a box of Kleenex. I grasped her hand and squeezed it. Then I had to hug her. I whispered, 'thank you' to her and she whispered the same thing back to me. We held each other tight for maybe 30 seconds. It wouldn't be the only time she would cry today....
See, about 3 years ago when Aubrianna's mom signed away her parental rights she was not in a very healthy place in life. She did not have a permanent place to live or a regular income; but her life today was different. She's had the same job for 30 months,and she's lived in the same apartment for 15 months. That is enough to show me that she is maturing and settling down. She is not a safety risk to her/my/OUR girls.
The next court activity was to bang the gavel and declare the adoption legal. The judge has an oversized gavel especially for adoption days. My soon-to-be daughter took the gavel in both hands (it's about 3 feet long) and banged it on the wooden block and declared "My new name is Aubrianna Lynnea Zelenak". Pictures were snapped, those in attendance clapped and smiled. The judge asked if anyone else would like to hit the gavel and the first one up was Aubri's mom.
Initially, I thought, she wants to be funny, so she's gonna hit the gavel. But as I thought about it, I don't think that's what she 'planned' to do. I don't think 'funny' had anything to do with it. I think she wanted to tell me that she also approves of this adoption and her hitting the gavel on the block was to say, "I approve and accept this decision". That was the most supportive thing she could have done. I wonder if Aubrianna thought this?
We couldn't take Aubri's birth mom home because we had celebratory plans at Red Lobster. I thought about her a lot that day and evening hoping she was emotionally okay.
I also didn't just adopt Aubrianna that day, I adopted more than that, I adopted her history, her culture, her ancestors. We are all linked. If you can picture the grafting of a healthy branch into a healthier tree, well, that's one way to look at it. But what I did, was to cut her family tree vertically down to include her roots and we are grafting that into the trunk of my tree. Her roots will mingle with mine and we will grow as a family - two families, to begin with.... :)
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
It's a Girl!
I can hardly believe I haven't posted my adoption announcement yet! I'm due on: July 20th at 2:00pm and it's a girl! She's 5 weeks from being 17 yrs old. She is an avid reader and she LOVES Michael Jackson! This week she got her learners permit! We figured out just today that it will be 9 months and 1 day since she moved in with me, that the adoption will take place. I ordered the 'it's a girl' announcements and they should be here within 2 weeks. Watch your mail! One benefit I'm really looking forward to after the adoption, is POSTING PICTURES! We're not allowed to do that while our kids are still in foster care...it's a safety/confidentiality issue.
My parents are thrilled to be able to dote on another grand daughter! My brother is going to be an 'uncle' for the first time. I turned 50 last week and I'm going to be a mother for the first time!
My 'daughter-to-be' wants to invite her birth mom to our adoption. I hope she'll come. As long as she remains healthy, she can be as active a part in our life as my (our) daughter wants her to be.
My parents are thrilled to be able to dote on another grand daughter! My brother is going to be an 'uncle' for the first time. I turned 50 last week and I'm going to be a mother for the first time!
My 'daughter-to-be' wants to invite her birth mom to our adoption. I hope she'll come. As long as she remains healthy, she can be as active a part in our life as my (our) daughter wants her to be.
One Step Closer to Oprah...
I've emailed the Oprah people at least twice in the past 2 years about an amazing story of two ladies; in the hopes they'd be guests and share their story. I also emailed the editor of Wasatch Woman magazine in August 2009. Last week she called me and wanted to know more about the idea I had for their article "Families That Work" to come out this coming August. After a couple of calls and emails the appointment was set up to meet with A. and S. (the two ladies who share their story of forgivenes and co-parenting after beating the odds of hate and anger). The writer assigned is named Jamie, she's a freelance writer.
We're all excited to see the story, even tho' it was only allocated 600 words. I asked her to ask her editor for another 600, to really do the story some justice. We'll see. I told her I also planned to send her story to Oprah, and to "make it good!"
I've got the third draft of a screenplay completed (telling this same story) but I'm stuck. I have no literary agent and don't know where to proceed from here. Maybe the Wasatch Woman article will get us one step closer to BIG TIME publicity! Maybe one of you readers will be able to steer me in the right direction?
We're all excited to see the story, even tho' it was only allocated 600 words. I asked her to ask her editor for another 600, to really do the story some justice. We'll see. I told her I also planned to send her story to Oprah, and to "make it good!"
I've got the third draft of a screenplay completed (telling this same story) but I'm stuck. I have no literary agent and don't know where to proceed from here. Maybe the Wasatch Woman article will get us one step closer to BIG TIME publicity! Maybe one of you readers will be able to steer me in the right direction?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
The Inner Conflict of Name Changing at Adoption
My most recent placement is a 15 yr old girl, 1/2 polynesian 1/2 white. She has not had a lot of extended family interaction in the past couple of years. She moved into my home the first week of May (1 month today, actually!) and we've visited her mom 4 times, and her dad 2x...she's played a family football game and been to a big brothers high school graduation party.
She was moved to my home specifically to be adopted because for the past 4 years no one else would legally commit to her. I'm committing. So, she talks to me now and then about not wanting to change her last name to mine, because hers is Samoan...it is her culture; she LOOKS LIKE her last name. And I would say to her, "okay, that's fine. There's no law that says you HAVE TO take my last name when I adopt you."
A few nights ago, when she returned from a family football game, she said, "it felt so good to be surrounded by my family, I thought 'this is my family'". I could feel the comfort in her voice. Upon my daughters return, I met an Auntie of hers, a woman who obviously loves and adores my girl...I welcomed her into our home and we visited a while. She almost was crying because I trusted her to take my girl for a visit and trusted her to bring her back. Sometimes you just get a feeling about people, dontcha? This lady is the goods. She looks you in the eye when she talks to you, she DID pick up and drop off on time. I am more apt to say 'sure, take her again!' when the opportunity arises. And the cousins!!! So many cousins!!! LOL!
Last night she told me she would like to hyphenate our two names when it comes time to be adopted, to keep her own and to add mine. I asked her why she wants to do that and she said, 'i want to feel like I belong to your family'. Wow...that was brave and insightful of her. I told her whatever she decides, I'll support.
It also will not be surprising if we have this conversation 15 more times before mid-November...which is when we'd like to finalize the adoption. I can not imagine what I would have felt when I was 15 and had a decision like this in front of me. My girls are amazing survivors...tough little gals with big hearts and big conflicts...'which family do I belong to?' 'can I belong to more than one?'
She was moved to my home specifically to be adopted because for the past 4 years no one else would legally commit to her. I'm committing. So, she talks to me now and then about not wanting to change her last name to mine, because hers is Samoan...it is her culture; she LOOKS LIKE her last name. And I would say to her, "okay, that's fine. There's no law that says you HAVE TO take my last name when I adopt you."
A few nights ago, when she returned from a family football game, she said, "it felt so good to be surrounded by my family, I thought 'this is my family'". I could feel the comfort in her voice. Upon my daughters return, I met an Auntie of hers, a woman who obviously loves and adores my girl...I welcomed her into our home and we visited a while. She almost was crying because I trusted her to take my girl for a visit and trusted her to bring her back. Sometimes you just get a feeling about people, dontcha? This lady is the goods. She looks you in the eye when she talks to you, she DID pick up and drop off on time. I am more apt to say 'sure, take her again!' when the opportunity arises. And the cousins!!! So many cousins!!! LOL!
Last night she told me she would like to hyphenate our two names when it comes time to be adopted, to keep her own and to add mine. I asked her why she wants to do that and she said, 'i want to feel like I belong to your family'. Wow...that was brave and insightful of her. I told her whatever she decides, I'll support.
It also will not be surprising if we have this conversation 15 more times before mid-November...which is when we'd like to finalize the adoption. I can not imagine what I would have felt when I was 15 and had a decision like this in front of me. My girls are amazing survivors...tough little gals with big hearts and big conflicts...'which family do I belong to?' 'can I belong to more than one?'
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A Truely Family Friendly Employer
Just a public thank you to my immediate boss, Mick, and our CEO, Kelly for approving my request to work from home during June, July and August while 'my girls' are out of school. This will allow me to not only be a more hands-on parent for them, but to do some of the many other mom-duties needed during the summer ("can you take us to the pool today?", "we want to go to the library!", "I don't want to ride my bike to work today..." and on and on, right?)
Thank you UTAH FOSTER CARE FOUNDATION for your flexibility with my single parenting of these great girls!
Thank you UTAH FOSTER CARE FOUNDATION for your flexibility with my single parenting of these great girls!
OMG- She Really Can Sing!!
The newest addition to our family is 15 yrs old. She has been in Bella Voce (an advanced choir group)at Orem Jr High (in Utah) her 9th grade year. She wanted to audition for the Advanced Women's choir at her new high school. We met the Provo High choir teacher (Mrs Garrett) at an end-of-year choir BBQ last week. Yesterday, 5-25-10 at 4:20p she auditioned and was accepted as an alto, in that Advanced Women's choir! I was so proud of her for her bravery and confidence (both of which she argues with me that she has none of...). So, less than a minute after returning to my truck as we're pulling out of the high school parking lot, she asks, "Can I call my mom?" I said, handing her my cell phone, 'of course you can!'.
Then she shared the news with her mom...she excitedly shared the play-by-play of her audition, ending with, "And she told me right there that: I'm IN!!" then she called 'grandma' (my mom), repeating almost verbatim the first story. During both calls she had a big smile on her face (which I interpreted as the praise from both of these great ladies).
I wish I had the money to rent a piano for her. She plays and writes songs besides being a singer. AND...she wants to try out for softball and volleyball next fall! Why would anyone NOT want to foster/adopt a teen??
Then she shared the news with her mom...she excitedly shared the play-by-play of her audition, ending with, "And she told me right there that: I'm IN!!" then she called 'grandma' (my mom), repeating almost verbatim the first story. During both calls she had a big smile on her face (which I interpreted as the praise from both of these great ladies).
I wish I had the money to rent a piano for her. She plays and writes songs besides being a singer. AND...she wants to try out for softball and volleyball next fall! Why would anyone NOT want to foster/adopt a teen??
Now I'm Having A Good Day!
It was the culmination of a season of Celebrity-Apprentice-watching with my 16 yr old. The contest ended last Sunday night with a 2 hr live showing, hosted by 'the Donald'...about 10pm. And all season we were rooting for one of 3 singer celebrities. Our man (Brett Michaels) WON! And the first words out of her mouth were: YES! (visualize a fist pump here!) Now, I'm having a good day!! And I just had to laugh to myself. We had already had a really fun Sunday...but when Brett won Celebrity Apprentice, that was the icing on her Sunday cake! Teens are awesome, aren't they?
Monday, May 17, 2010
A New Addition...
She is 15years old. She is experiencing grief and loss...as she transitions from what was promised to be an adoptive, forever family...but turned into just another pit stop on the way to my home. She is angry: she is also in an anger management group for about 6 weeks...3 days a week. I don't blame her for feeling angry...she's been rejected again. And from what she's told me, she's been in a strict living environment, run by a German grandmother, not really by the foster mom.
As I dropped her off at school one day this week, I said, 'see you at quattro!", she said, 'why do you speak spanish, you're white?!"...with a little animosity. Then later, when I was picking her up from anger mgmt group, as she got into the truck, I pointed out the sneakers of one of the girls and said, "i love those sneakers!" and she said, 'what kind of people look at other people's feet?" She is angry with the system, her caseworker, her last foster mom who wouldn't give her a forever home, and with me for offering to give her a forever home. This little gal is conflicted. I really feel for her.
It is a prayer of mine that I will be a positive influence in her life. I will be a grafted-in branch of her family tree. I will support her relationships with her siblings and her birth parents, as long as it's safe, and I can almost assure safety in any visit I am supervising. Not that I am fool-proof, but I understand that safety is relative, especially in regards to relatives.
I love teenagers! God bless teenagers! Especially the ones in my house....
As I dropped her off at school one day this week, I said, 'see you at quattro!", she said, 'why do you speak spanish, you're white?!"...with a little animosity. Then later, when I was picking her up from anger mgmt group, as she got into the truck, I pointed out the sneakers of one of the girls and said, "i love those sneakers!" and she said, 'what kind of people look at other people's feet?" She is angry with the system, her caseworker, her last foster mom who wouldn't give her a forever home, and with me for offering to give her a forever home. This little gal is conflicted. I really feel for her.
It is a prayer of mine that I will be a positive influence in her life. I will be a grafted-in branch of her family tree. I will support her relationships with her siblings and her birth parents, as long as it's safe, and I can almost assure safety in any visit I am supervising. Not that I am fool-proof, but I understand that safety is relative, especially in regards to relatives.
I love teenagers! God bless teenagers! Especially the ones in my house....
A Sweet 90 minutes! (our Mother's Day visit)
A sweet 90 minutes...that's what the visit was with the birth mom of two of my girls. I went in alone at first, to remind their birth mom of appropriate behavior and conversation. Nothing inappropriate EVER came up. As soon as the girls walked in to her apartment the three of them hugged and held on to each other for about a full minute. I took a picture that I will cherish forever. I gave a copy to each of the girls and made a 5x7 which is framed in our living room. We gave their birth mom the pictures we took of all the siblings, she loves them. There was soda and treats and a balloon fight, feline games and snuggling on the couch, reminiscing. 90 minutes of sweetness. I do not regret that visit. I am proud of the girls and their mom for their open hearts. There is a love in this relationship that I will never know, a deep, loyal love that only is known and shared between by a birth parent and her children.
I am hoping I gave this family a forever memory. I want to have openness in this upcoming adoption; if it will be safe for the girls they deserve root-full connections.
May God continue to bless the Utah foster care system.
I am hoping I gave this family a forever memory. I want to have openness in this upcoming adoption; if it will be safe for the girls they deserve root-full connections.
May God continue to bless the Utah foster care system.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
It's almost Mother's Day....and I'm choosing worms.
The second Sunday in May is for remembering our mothers. I am working hard to re-introduce 'my girls' to their birth mom. She lives less than 2 miles from where we live. I visited with her last Sunday to take a couple of pictures of her; and to talk with her about what she'd like to see for her girls. I emailed the caseworker of the two girls (two sisters) in my home asking for permission to take their mom out for a Mother's Day lunch, with her girls.
The girls and I are going to meet with their brothers this weekend to take more pictures, so I can frame them and have them give it to their mom for Mother's Day. Their mom has had the same job for 27 months, and lived in the same home for a year now. I will be with the girls during any visits we have and I will remind their birth mom not to talk 'big people talk' with them, or to bad-mouth their dads. Other than that, it should go just fine...
A couple of weeks ago the caseworker expressed concern to me about my wanting to do this, she said 'You'll be opening a can of worms'. But, roots are more important than worms, and I can clean up the worms I release...but I won't be able to look my girls in the eyes, as the years go by, to tell them why I never encouraged them to have a relationship with their mother. So, I'm choosing the worms (if there really are any). Anyway, worms live around roots, don't they? It kinda comes with the territory!
And I can hardly wait to see them together on Mother's Day. Their mom deserves it and her (our) girls do, too.
The girls and I are going to meet with their brothers this weekend to take more pictures, so I can frame them and have them give it to their mom for Mother's Day. Their mom has had the same job for 27 months, and lived in the same home for a year now. I will be with the girls during any visits we have and I will remind their birth mom not to talk 'big people talk' with them, or to bad-mouth their dads. Other than that, it should go just fine...
A couple of weeks ago the caseworker expressed concern to me about my wanting to do this, she said 'You'll be opening a can of worms'. But, roots are more important than worms, and I can clean up the worms I release...but I won't be able to look my girls in the eyes, as the years go by, to tell them why I never encouraged them to have a relationship with their mother. So, I'm choosing the worms (if there really are any). Anyway, worms live around roots, don't they? It kinda comes with the territory!
And I can hardly wait to see them together on Mother's Day. Their mom deserves it and her (our) girls do, too.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Staying Stuck
Last Friday was 'early out' day for my 10 yr old. I asked her if she wanted to run some errands with me before her sister got home (it's always nice to spend one on one time with her). We headed out to the truck and I got in and buckled up; then she jumped into the passenger seat and buckled up. Now, I need to share a little bit of history with you. Normally, she rides in the back because the sign on my visor says 'children under 12 may be killed by airbag deployment'...or something like that. So the rule in our house is: Until your 13th b-day, you sit in the back seat. She has never tested this before today. So, I thought, 'Don't get bent out of shape over this, Nance. Just calmly remind her of the rule.' So, I did.
ME: "Dear, you need to sit in your seat, remember?"
HER: "No, I want to sit up here with you, today. PLEASE?"
ME: "Sorry, kiddo. The rule is, not till you're 13. Go on, jump in back."
HER: "Come on Nancy, PLEEEEEEASE?"
ME: "We'll just sit here in the garage, until you sit in your seat." and I turned the radio on
HER: "Fine!" (as in, 'i'm fine sitting here in the garage listening to the radio')
We sit there, we talk, we sing a few lyrics...and she asks:
HER: "So are we going, or what?"
ME: "As soon as you buckle up in the back."
HER: (pause) "Fine....(this time it's the 'Fine, I give up, I'll move to the back.')
She unbuckles from the front. I have bucket seats in the front of my truck so she begins to squish her behind through the seats into the back (remember she is only 10 and she is quite petite). She slips down between the seat and the middle console where the bottom 1/2 of her legs still lay.
HER: "I'm stuck!!!"
ME: "No, you're not, come on, now, get up."
HER: "I can't I'm stuck."
ME: "Please pull yourself up and get into your seat." (i'm starting to get pissed off)
HER: "No, really, I'm stuck, help me."
We have already wasted precious Friday afternoon minutes on this topic; and for some reason, my normally cool demeanor began to bubble up. So, I unbuckle, and I get out of the truck.
ME: "I'm not going to argue with you about this. I'm going to sit in the back and when you pull yourself out, let me know, and we'll go."
I close my door and I immediately hear her begin to wail.
HER: "Naaannncccyy?! I'm STUUUCCCKKK!" and she's crying.
I ignore her...2 minutes....5 minutes....
HER: "Naannnncccyyy!! Pllleeeaaaasssseeee, help!!!" wailing....
I ignore her...8 minutes now....and I'm thinking, "JUST PULL YOURSELF UP!"
10 minutes....and I can't wait it out any longer.
I open the front door of my truck. I don't even have time to say anything. She reaches up to hold the top of the two bucket seats and pulls herself up. I am really mad that she has wasted all of this time over where she's gonna sit in the damn truck! Playing these control games with me. And she's sobbing...trying to catch her breath, type of crying. I just don't get it.
ME: "Why did you choose to stay stuck, when you knew all along how to get out?!"
(As soon as those words came out of my mouth I was furious with myself)
HER: "I guess I just wanted you close."
Oh man...she wanted me close for support? Maybe. Why did I make this such a big deal to begin with? BECAUSE I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES!!!
Foster parenting is showing me how big of an issue that is. Now, to give myself a break, I've lived alone for about 8 years prior to my being a foster parent. And, I've NEVER been a mother before 7 months ago...and I'm 49 yrs old. So, this is a sharp learning curve for me.
So, how did this end? I sat in the back seat. We talked. I hugged her, I kissed her head and we ran our errands and the evening was fine; zero problems. But this phrase that came out of my mouth has been in the forefront of my mind ever since. I have been quite introspective about where I'm 'stuck' myself, and why am I choosing to stay there? Any thoughts?
ME: "Dear, you need to sit in your seat, remember?"
HER: "No, I want to sit up here with you, today. PLEASE?"
ME: "Sorry, kiddo. The rule is, not till you're 13. Go on, jump in back."
HER: "Come on Nancy, PLEEEEEEASE?"
ME: "We'll just sit here in the garage, until you sit in your seat." and I turned the radio on
HER: "Fine!" (as in, 'i'm fine sitting here in the garage listening to the radio')
We sit there, we talk, we sing a few lyrics...and she asks:
HER: "So are we going, or what?"
ME: "As soon as you buckle up in the back."
HER: (pause) "Fine....(this time it's the 'Fine, I give up, I'll move to the back.')
She unbuckles from the front. I have bucket seats in the front of my truck so she begins to squish her behind through the seats into the back (remember she is only 10 and she is quite petite). She slips down between the seat and the middle console where the bottom 1/2 of her legs still lay.
HER: "I'm stuck!!!"
ME: "No, you're not, come on, now, get up."
HER: "I can't I'm stuck."
ME: "Please pull yourself up and get into your seat." (i'm starting to get pissed off)
HER: "No, really, I'm stuck, help me."
We have already wasted precious Friday afternoon minutes on this topic; and for some reason, my normally cool demeanor began to bubble up. So, I unbuckle, and I get out of the truck.
ME: "I'm not going to argue with you about this. I'm going to sit in the back and when you pull yourself out, let me know, and we'll go."
I close my door and I immediately hear her begin to wail.
HER: "Naaannncccyy?! I'm STUUUCCCKKK!" and she's crying.
I ignore her...2 minutes....5 minutes....
HER: "Naannnncccyyy!! Pllleeeaaaasssseeee, help!!!" wailing....
I ignore her...8 minutes now....and I'm thinking, "JUST PULL YOURSELF UP!"
10 minutes....and I can't wait it out any longer.
I open the front door of my truck. I don't even have time to say anything. She reaches up to hold the top of the two bucket seats and pulls herself up. I am really mad that she has wasted all of this time over where she's gonna sit in the damn truck! Playing these control games with me. And she's sobbing...trying to catch her breath, type of crying. I just don't get it.
ME: "Why did you choose to stay stuck, when you knew all along how to get out?!"
(As soon as those words came out of my mouth I was furious with myself)
HER: "I guess I just wanted you close."
Oh man...she wanted me close for support? Maybe. Why did I make this such a big deal to begin with? BECAUSE I HAVE CONTROL ISSUES!!!
Foster parenting is showing me how big of an issue that is. Now, to give myself a break, I've lived alone for about 8 years prior to my being a foster parent. And, I've NEVER been a mother before 7 months ago...and I'm 49 yrs old. So, this is a sharp learning curve for me.
So, how did this end? I sat in the back seat. We talked. I hugged her, I kissed her head and we ran our errands and the evening was fine; zero problems. But this phrase that came out of my mouth has been in the forefront of my mind ever since. I have been quite introspective about where I'm 'stuck' myself, and why am I choosing to stay there? Any thoughts?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Teenage Affection
On Saturday last, my 16 yr old, for the first time in almost six months of living with me, scrunched down under my arm as we sat on the couch visiting with my parents. I could hardly believe she was allowing me to show affection to her in this way! The next day she did the same thing at church!
This young lady was the mom in her family for a number of years. She hardly ever allows herself to be a kid...and it was the first time she actually let me be a nurturing adult to her. It felt good for me, too! I thought it took a lot of courage for her to show me she was willing to sit close to me. To me she was saying: I trust you, I like you, I feel safe with you (maybe I'm reading more into it than was meant, but that's what I heard during these non-verbal conversations). What a brave survivor I have living in my home.
I learn so much from these kids....
This young lady was the mom in her family for a number of years. She hardly ever allows herself to be a kid...and it was the first time she actually let me be a nurturing adult to her. It felt good for me, too! I thought it took a lot of courage for her to show me she was willing to sit close to me. To me she was saying: I trust you, I like you, I feel safe with you (maybe I'm reading more into it than was meant, but that's what I heard during these non-verbal conversations). What a brave survivor I have living in my home.
I learn so much from these kids....
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Sharing Expertise in Nancy's Pre Service Trainings
I am very grateful to the DCFS staff, the Office of Licensing staff, birth parents, adopted children and the licensed foster families who attend my classes to share their life experiences (and expertise) to our families in training. I have folks come to at least 4 classes a month to share in first person terms, what I can not. They bring depth, humor and pertinent information to all who hear their messages. Their willingness to share sometimes painful memories shows their strength of character and hopefulness of soul. Many of the staff have to flex their time to work during an evening, to come to my class, when they could be home with their families doing laundry or vegetating in front of American Idol... :)
I don't think it would offend anyone if I told you who I am specifically referring to: So, in alphabetical order, I want to publicly thank:
Rebecca, DA and Anja Anderson, foster/adoptive family
Brandy Anderson, birth parent
Kari Broderick, foster/adoptive family
Joy & Robert Brough, and their children, adoptive family
Aymee Condie, DCFS Caseworker, foster/adoptive/kinship family
Jeanne Finefeuiaki, Office of Licensing
Jessica Hannemann, UFCF Retention Specialist
Trish Jensen, RFC Supervisor at DCFS, adopted
Ami Monsen, foster/adoptive family
Jenn Quigley, Office of Licensing
Shawn & Portia Rapier, adoptive dad
John and Caycee Thill, UFCF, foster/adoptive family
Stevoni Wells-Doyle, birth parent
Christy Tucket,birth parent
It is very rewarding to work with such generous people. I know that not all areas of Utah have the unique working relationships we do in the Western Region of the state and because I'm thinking about these people today, I wanted you to know it, too.
I don't think it would offend anyone if I told you who I am specifically referring to: So, in alphabetical order, I want to publicly thank:
Rebecca, DA and Anja Anderson, foster/adoptive family
Brandy Anderson, birth parent
Kari Broderick, foster/adoptive family
Joy & Robert Brough, and their children, adoptive family
Aymee Condie, DCFS Caseworker, foster/adoptive/kinship family
Jeanne Finefeuiaki, Office of Licensing
Jessica Hannemann, UFCF Retention Specialist
Trish Jensen, RFC Supervisor at DCFS, adopted
Ami Monsen, foster/adoptive family
Jenn Quigley, Office of Licensing
Shawn & Portia Rapier, adoptive dad
John and Caycee Thill, UFCF, foster/adoptive family
Stevoni Wells-Doyle, birth parent
Christy Tucket,birth parent
It is very rewarding to work with such generous people. I know that not all areas of Utah have the unique working relationships we do in the Western Region of the state and because I'm thinking about these people today, I wanted you to know it, too.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Don't Be Afraid of Teens - Part 2 :)
The second biggest news is that I found a substitute for my Heber City class so that I could attend an inservice training at the Provo Library!
But the BIGGEST news is that my 16yr old was on a 4 person panel, at this training, talking about what it's like to be a teen in foster care and sharing her experiences being in foster care. She was brave and silly and articulate. She's my hero!
I am grateful for the Utah Foster Care Foundation for at least two things today:
ONE- they know the importance of finding families to foster teen-agers and
TWO- they arranged this opportunity for two REAL LIFE teens in foster care to show our licensed families that not all teens are trouble makers, losers, unadoptable, criminals or threats to their kids.
Both of the girls who were on the panel were honest and with different experiences and different goals.
Just like the teens in YOUR neighborhood, you'll find the gammet of interests, skills, motivation, music preferences, intelligence, friendliness, silliness, seriousness and resiliency. Why don't you look into the opportunity to move into our neighborhood, the FOSTER CARE neighborhood.
But the BIGGEST news is that my 16yr old was on a 4 person panel, at this training, talking about what it's like to be a teen in foster care and sharing her experiences being in foster care. She was brave and silly and articulate. She's my hero!
I am grateful for the Utah Foster Care Foundation for at least two things today:
ONE- they know the importance of finding families to foster teen-agers and
TWO- they arranged this opportunity for two REAL LIFE teens in foster care to show our licensed families that not all teens are trouble makers, losers, unadoptable, criminals or threats to their kids.
Both of the girls who were on the panel were honest and with different experiences and different goals.
Just like the teens in YOUR neighborhood, you'll find the gammet of interests, skills, motivation, music preferences, intelligence, friendliness, silliness, seriousness and resiliency. Why don't you look into the opportunity to move into our neighborhood, the FOSTER CARE neighborhood.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Don't Be Afraid of Teen-Agers! -- Part 1
Later this week, on Feb 28th, a special panel presentation is going to be held at the Provo Library for already licensed foster parents who don't yet take teenagers. It's called "The Impact of Fostering Older Youth"; dinner will be Panda Express for all in attendance; the cost of that is being covered by the Utah Foster Care Foundation. The objective: to recruit more families to foster teens.
So, there are three teens on the panel, at least one is currently in foster care (my 16 yr old) and a couple of foster parents who already take teenagers, will also be on the panel. In preparation for my youth to present, we drew up a timeline of life events that she would be comfortable sharing. This was a great time for me to learn a lot more about her. And she happened to be in the mood to share. I am so impressed with her survivability, her candor, and her vulnerability. We talked about her having the right to say, "I don't feel comfortable talking about that." if something is asked that she doesn't want to share. Currently, I'm scheduled to train a class in Heber City that same night and I would much rather be at the Provo Library, supporting her. Suffice it to say, I'm going to try to find a substitute trainer.
The UFCF (Utah Foster Care Foundation) is sponsoring the event. It is in answer to a desperate request from DCFS (Division of Child and Family Services) to help them recruit more foster homes who will take kids 14-18 yrs old. In Utah, more than 25% of children currently in custody are between those ages. This is a population who is often overlooked by families with young children, thinking that the older kids will hurt the younger ones. This is a population who, too often, leave state custody without a family, without a place to go 'home' to for holidays, and without emotional support during the tough days life will surely bring. This is a group of kids labeled as trouble-makers, just because of their chronological age or their 'foster' status. But they too, are the victims of abuse or neglect, which initially brought them into DCFS custody.
But, it is our job (as Utah social workers) to clarify who these kids really are. Yes, there are kids who make bad choices (truancy, smoking, shop-lifting, promiscuity), some of them are in foster care, most are not! There are kids in foster care who also make really wise choices and set good examples for younger kids and go on to higher education, stable employment, church service, military service, and healthy parenthood. So, we gather these kids to sit on a panel and say, "Look at us! We're typical teens! We're not scary! We won't hurt your children! We can program your DVD player! We can do our own laundry! Be OUR forever family!"
I'll update you on Friday, after the Thursday night panel. Look for Part 2, then.
So, there are three teens on the panel, at least one is currently in foster care (my 16 yr old) and a couple of foster parents who already take teenagers, will also be on the panel. In preparation for my youth to present, we drew up a timeline of life events that she would be comfortable sharing. This was a great time for me to learn a lot more about her. And she happened to be in the mood to share. I am so impressed with her survivability, her candor, and her vulnerability. We talked about her having the right to say, "I don't feel comfortable talking about that." if something is asked that she doesn't want to share. Currently, I'm scheduled to train a class in Heber City that same night and I would much rather be at the Provo Library, supporting her. Suffice it to say, I'm going to try to find a substitute trainer.
The UFCF (Utah Foster Care Foundation) is sponsoring the event. It is in answer to a desperate request from DCFS (Division of Child and Family Services) to help them recruit more foster homes who will take kids 14-18 yrs old. In Utah, more than 25% of children currently in custody are between those ages. This is a population who is often overlooked by families with young children, thinking that the older kids will hurt the younger ones. This is a population who, too often, leave state custody without a family, without a place to go 'home' to for holidays, and without emotional support during the tough days life will surely bring. This is a group of kids labeled as trouble-makers, just because of their chronological age or their 'foster' status. But they too, are the victims of abuse or neglect, which initially brought them into DCFS custody.
But, it is our job (as Utah social workers) to clarify who these kids really are. Yes, there are kids who make bad choices (truancy, smoking, shop-lifting, promiscuity), some of them are in foster care, most are not! There are kids in foster care who also make really wise choices and set good examples for younger kids and go on to higher education, stable employment, church service, military service, and healthy parenthood. So, we gather these kids to sit on a panel and say, "Look at us! We're typical teens! We're not scary! We won't hurt your children! We can program your DVD player! We can do our own laundry! Be OUR forever family!"
I'll update you on Friday, after the Thursday night panel. Look for Part 2, then.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
That's What It's All About!
Remember the Hokey Pokey? You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about?! You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, that's what it's all about! It was so much fun to do that at a roller skating rink, when I was a kid and 'tween... now we play a kind of Hokey Pokey in the child welfare system...and when everyone plays nice, we all win! Cool game right?
Let me tell you what has happened recently: my littlest girl, age 7 has been home for 19 days so far, on a trial home visit with her daddy and his fiance and their other children. I'll refer to my 7 yr old as "Angel", just so I don't have to keep writing 'my 7 yr old' :)
19 days ago, dad's fiance and Angel's brother, "Angel 2",pulled up into my driveway and Angel 2 jumped out carrying a big beautiful purple flowering plant and he handed it to me as dad's fiance said, 'we just want to thank you for taking care of Angel until today'. We talked a little and loaded Angel's things into her families truck and off they drove. The plant sits on my kitchen table. I've taken a picture of it to keep forever. About 2 weeks later I received one of the nicest emails I have ever received, from dad's fiance. I want to share part of it here:
"Dear Nancy,
...Angel is doing really well. She has come so far again since she has come home. She hasn't wet the bed since the night we brought her home for good. She is no longer wearing pull ups. She is in her new school...she seems to be enjoying it a lot. She loves to ride the bus. The bus picks her up right in front of our house and she is so independent she doesn't want mom or dad to walk her out! ... It's so funny to watch her now as she will run to her dad and jump in his arms to be hugged before bed. It's such a wonderful picture to see [daddy] and her together. This was something I just didn't believe would ever happen. Thank you so much for helping in making this come true....She is truly a special spirit and I'm so grateful she is back with us. She makes everyday special with just her smile alone...Thank you again for all that you have done to bring Angel back to us. I hope and pray that we will always be friends. [dad's fiance]
Now for the Hokey Pokey part: Parents who have temporarily lost their right to parent their children for abuse, neglect or other reasons, have responsibilities to do, to show the court they've made positive changes in their life and they deserve to parent their children again. Usually, it's not more than 4-6 parenting related goals. I never even saw what this parent's goals were. We never discussed them in our Child and Family Team meetings (which are held monthly, which is AWESOME!) However, some parents call these "responsibilities" by other names/phrases: "jumping through hoops", "bureacratic red tape", "bull shit", among other things, and "the dance". I like 'the dance' best because for me it means two willing parties who both have to move...if they can move in rhythm, the dance progresses nicely, as in the case of Angel, her daddy, his fiance and I. We were able to extend hands of respect to each other (put the right foot in), share important information about Angel back and forth (put the right foot out), keep in regular contact for visits (put the right foot in), as the foster parent I concientiously sat on their side of the court room when we reviewed Angel's case (and shake it all about). We took turns transporting Angel to various appointments (you do the Hokey Pokey), and we vented about case issues we were unhappy with, with each other (and you turn yourself around), and we ultimately built a realtionship (that's what it's all about!).
I have no doubts or concerns today, that this family and I will remain friends. I have become a branch in Angel's family tree, it's a skinny, little branch, but I'm there forever! That is an exceptionally rewarding thought.
Let me tell you what has happened recently: my littlest girl, age 7 has been home for 19 days so far, on a trial home visit with her daddy and his fiance and their other children. I'll refer to my 7 yr old as "Angel", just so I don't have to keep writing 'my 7 yr old' :)
19 days ago, dad's fiance and Angel's brother, "Angel 2",pulled up into my driveway and Angel 2 jumped out carrying a big beautiful purple flowering plant and he handed it to me as dad's fiance said, 'we just want to thank you for taking care of Angel until today'. We talked a little and loaded Angel's things into her families truck and off they drove. The plant sits on my kitchen table. I've taken a picture of it to keep forever. About 2 weeks later I received one of the nicest emails I have ever received, from dad's fiance. I want to share part of it here:
"Dear Nancy,
...Angel is doing really well. She has come so far again since she has come home. She hasn't wet the bed since the night we brought her home for good. She is no longer wearing pull ups. She is in her new school...she seems to be enjoying it a lot. She loves to ride the bus. The bus picks her up right in front of our house and she is so independent she doesn't want mom or dad to walk her out! ... It's so funny to watch her now as she will run to her dad and jump in his arms to be hugged before bed. It's such a wonderful picture to see [daddy] and her together. This was something I just didn't believe would ever happen. Thank you so much for helping in making this come true....She is truly a special spirit and I'm so grateful she is back with us. She makes everyday special with just her smile alone...Thank you again for all that you have done to bring Angel back to us. I hope and pray that we will always be friends. [dad's fiance]
Now for the Hokey Pokey part: Parents who have temporarily lost their right to parent their children for abuse, neglect or other reasons, have responsibilities to do, to show the court they've made positive changes in their life and they deserve to parent their children again. Usually, it's not more than 4-6 parenting related goals. I never even saw what this parent's goals were. We never discussed them in our Child and Family Team meetings (which are held monthly, which is AWESOME!) However, some parents call these "responsibilities" by other names/phrases: "jumping through hoops", "bureacratic red tape", "bull shit", among other things, and "the dance". I like 'the dance' best because for me it means two willing parties who both have to move...if they can move in rhythm, the dance progresses nicely, as in the case of Angel, her daddy, his fiance and I. We were able to extend hands of respect to each other (put the right foot in), share important information about Angel back and forth (put the right foot out), keep in regular contact for visits (put the right foot in), as the foster parent I concientiously sat on their side of the court room when we reviewed Angel's case (and shake it all about). We took turns transporting Angel to various appointments (you do the Hokey Pokey), and we vented about case issues we were unhappy with, with each other (and you turn yourself around), and we ultimately built a realtionship (that's what it's all about!).
I have no doubts or concerns today, that this family and I will remain friends. I have become a branch in Angel's family tree, it's a skinny, little branch, but I'm there forever! That is an exceptionally rewarding thought.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Foster Care Reimbursement Going Down??
I've been around the child welfare world in Utah a pretty long time, but not as long as others. The 2010 Legislature is in session. The big talk in the child welfare system is that "they'll be voting to cut reimbursement rates this month!" Let me add, for a second year in a row. AND not only reimbursement rates, but there's an unspoken "hiring freeze" within Human Services as well. Which means caseworkers have ever-growing caseloads. (But that part of the problem is not what I am addressing in this blog, today).
I wish three or four legislatures would take the challenge of becoming a foster family. I would bet my home that those legislatures would have an incredible positive influence on the increase of services (including financial reimbursement) for this vulnerable popuation within their first year of having these kids in their home.
I called a few KENNELS across the Wasatch Front; (and I encourage you to check this out yourself)...to check on the daily rate these kennels get for caring for cats and dogs. I was blown out of the water when I heard that the ranges are $25, $30, $45 (and higher) a day while Utah foster parents get an average of $15, $17, $19 a day to care for our abused and neglected children. News articles have appeared in the past in many papers or on a number of tv news shows that inform us that reimbursement rates are going down and that Utah is already WAY BELOW many other states in this area. We are a child friendly state. We love children in Utah. We love service opportunities in Utah. BUT REALLY FOLKS??
I'm an animal lover, too. I would never abuse/neglect an animal. I believe we should protect populations who can not protect themselves (animals, disabled people, the elderly, and abused/neglected children) and I do not think we should pay LESS for the care of our animals while housed and cared for in a kennel.
I'm proposing a REIMBURSEMENT RAISE for our Utah foster families. I'm proposing that a few currently serving legislatures get licensed to be a foster family and THEN create some helpful bills to keep Utah on the cutting edge of Child Welfare services.
I want to know who the FREAKING IDIOT is who thinks foster families are making money each month as they care for thes kids. As a foster parent, I am almost paying out more each month than I am reimbursed by the state. I'm doing this because I want to be a parent and I want to reunite families if at all possible. But I am not independently wealthy enough to PAY OUT MONEY FOR HELPING FAMILIES.
We need to show families in Utah that we value them for volunteering to take in abused or neglected children; to take them to their therapy appointments, their family visits, court appointments, to deal with night terrors, rages, oppositional defiance, to balance their time with their biological or adopted children with these new foster children, and even to mentor birth parents. It's a tough job. I'm building enduring relationships. I'm learning so much about my parenting abilities. But I can not afford to PAY FOR this opportunity. Most can not afford to pay for this parenting challenge/opportunity.
DON'T CUT REIMBURSEMENT RATES. Let Utah remain a national leader in child welfare and build our reputation of having awesome family services. There must be a way. I'm offering to participate on a panel/board to find answers. USE ME!!
I wish three or four legislatures would take the challenge of becoming a foster family. I would bet my home that those legislatures would have an incredible positive influence on the increase of services (including financial reimbursement) for this vulnerable popuation within their first year of having these kids in their home.
I called a few KENNELS across the Wasatch Front; (and I encourage you to check this out yourself)...to check on the daily rate these kennels get for caring for cats and dogs. I was blown out of the water when I heard that the ranges are $25, $30, $45 (and higher) a day while Utah foster parents get an average of $15, $17, $19 a day to care for our abused and neglected children. News articles have appeared in the past in many papers or on a number of tv news shows that inform us that reimbursement rates are going down and that Utah is already WAY BELOW many other states in this area. We are a child friendly state. We love children in Utah. We love service opportunities in Utah. BUT REALLY FOLKS??
I'm an animal lover, too. I would never abuse/neglect an animal. I believe we should protect populations who can not protect themselves (animals, disabled people, the elderly, and abused/neglected children) and I do not think we should pay LESS for the care of our animals while housed and cared for in a kennel.
I'm proposing a REIMBURSEMENT RAISE for our Utah foster families. I'm proposing that a few currently serving legislatures get licensed to be a foster family and THEN create some helpful bills to keep Utah on the cutting edge of Child Welfare services.
I want to know who the FREAKING IDIOT is who thinks foster families are making money each month as they care for thes kids. As a foster parent, I am almost paying out more each month than I am reimbursed by the state. I'm doing this because I want to be a parent and I want to reunite families if at all possible. But I am not independently wealthy enough to PAY OUT MONEY FOR HELPING FAMILIES.
We need to show families in Utah that we value them for volunteering to take in abused or neglected children; to take them to their therapy appointments, their family visits, court appointments, to deal with night terrors, rages, oppositional defiance, to balance their time with their biological or adopted children with these new foster children, and even to mentor birth parents. It's a tough job. I'm building enduring relationships. I'm learning so much about my parenting abilities. But I can not afford to PAY FOR this opportunity. Most can not afford to pay for this parenting challenge/opportunity.
DON'T CUT REIMBURSEMENT RATES. Let Utah remain a national leader in child welfare and build our reputation of having awesome family services. There must be a way. I'm offering to participate on a panel/board to find answers. USE ME!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I Know, I Know - I'm Only Human, But Still....
Yesterday morning was horrible. I'm writing about it because I have to purge myself of this guilty burden; and in my prayers I've found a little space for self-forgiveness; and you have to know that foster parenting is damn hard.
Here's the scenario: I'm watching TODAY to catch up on current events and have a little bit of quiet-me-time before the day begins. I watch the clock tick time away and think 'i gotta get the girls up'. Now, when I say 'the girls', it's just the youngest two (ages 7 & 10) because the older two are gone to school already. But, there was a huge earthquake in Haiti, and I can not bring myself to move away from the news. So, i sit there. And, I sit there....now, we gotta rush.
I go downstairs and turn on their light and say, "Okay, let's go! Get up! Get dressed! We gotta move!"
Moans from under the covers...."I'm tired..." from under the covers....
So, because I selfishly relaxed and took my time to wake up and WHATEVER....now I have to rush these two kids; and one of them is going cross country skiing with her class today...and she should be happy and excited. But, I threw in a parenting control issue to top off the mad rush of the morning. So, as she's falling out of bed with her quilt wrapped around her, I say "Wear one of these turtle neck shirts to go skiing." and the whining begins.... "I don't wanna wear that." and I pull that parent-control-thingy out and I say, "You will wear a turtle neck shirt or you won't go and you can go to work with me, instead." (As soon as I said it, I thought, "Really Nancy, let her pick out her own clothes! NO! I argued with myself in split second time...She has to dress for the activity or she'll be miserable.) and the war was now in full swing.
Now the littlest one has decided that she is not going to get dressed at all. She is standing in the room stark naked screaming "I'm cold!" and I say 'Put on some clothes", and she just screams "I'm cold!" Okay, my frustration cup is over-flowing. I opened her underwear drawer, pulled out some panties, an undershirt and a pair of socks and i threw them at her...and I said, "Put these on." and she screamed "OW! You hurt me!".... The ten year old is whining "Please Nancy, don't make me wear that! PLEASE!" And she starts to cry. I walk out and upstairs. I'm furious that THEY are doing this to me!! (but today, I know it was not done 'to me'....)
So, I hear them both screaming and crying and I hear the door being slammed and I don't dare go back down there. I breathe. I sit in a chair in my bedroom with my head in my hands and I offer up a prayer: "Help me, Lord. Help me calm down. Help me let go of things that don't matter." Someone runs up the stairs...the ten yr old who is going skiing today.
"Nancy PLEASE don't make me wear a turtle neck, they don't match my pants!" I couldn't even look up, all I said was, "I'm praying." and she stomps out saying, "why are you being such a jerk?!" Well, that hit the nail right on the head. I was being a jerk. I stayed there and breathed deeply in and out for about a miinute or so. I hear drawers slamming, I hear the girls arguing.
We are gonna be late for school and i am now past the point of caring. I just want them to emotionally chill out so they can go to school and learn and not act out for their teachers. And I want my little skiier to have fun with her class. I made cookies last night for her to take and share with the kids on her bus; and they turned out FABULOUS (Lehi Roller Mills Choc Chip!). I'm ruining the mood for her fun day. I'm so disappointed in myself.
Back and forth for 5-10 min I hear, "I don't wanna wear this!" and I say "Then you can go to work with me today." and she says "I don't wanna go to work with you!" and I say "Then you'll wear a turtleneck." .... "NNnnoooooooO!" and i say 'yes'. What is going on with me? I don't have PMS....because I don't have a uterus or ovaries anymore, so what the hell?
Somehow we make it into the truck and I drive the ten yr old to school first today (she put on a turtleneck) so she won't be late. When we pull up, I get out and go around to her side; I think she knew what I wanted to do and she opened her arms for a hug. I grab her hard and kiss her forehead and tell her I love her and I'm sorry we had a hard morning. I whispered to her to have a great time skiing and I'm so sorry I was bad this morning. I kissed her again and off she went. One down, one to go.
As we drove to the next school, I apologized to my 7 yr old. I said, "I'm so sorry I threw your underwear at you. I will never do that again. Will you forgive me? " and she softly said, "yes". And I replied, "thank you, hon-" . She too got a big hug and a kiss when she got out of the truck. They both seemed okay as they went into their schools.
I was able to vent a little, and repent a little, with my friend John at work. He reassured me that I'm human and it's okay. But still....
LATER THAT DAY: When I picked up my ten yr old at 3:15 I couldn't wait to hear about her ski trip. She said, 'everyone loved the cookies and they asked me if I made them and I said, 'no, my mom did.' (short pause) Is it okay if I call you 'mom'?"
Thank you, Lord. me
Here's the scenario: I'm watching TODAY to catch up on current events and have a little bit of quiet-me-time before the day begins. I watch the clock tick time away and think 'i gotta get the girls up'. Now, when I say 'the girls', it's just the youngest two (ages 7 & 10) because the older two are gone to school already. But, there was a huge earthquake in Haiti, and I can not bring myself to move away from the news. So, i sit there. And, I sit there....now, we gotta rush.
I go downstairs and turn on their light and say, "Okay, let's go! Get up! Get dressed! We gotta move!"
Moans from under the covers...."I'm tired..." from under the covers....
So, because I selfishly relaxed and took my time to wake up and WHATEVER....now I have to rush these two kids; and one of them is going cross country skiing with her class today...and she should be happy and excited. But, I threw in a parenting control issue to top off the mad rush of the morning. So, as she's falling out of bed with her quilt wrapped around her, I say "Wear one of these turtle neck shirts to go skiing." and the whining begins.... "I don't wanna wear that." and I pull that parent-control-thingy out and I say, "You will wear a turtle neck shirt or you won't go and you can go to work with me, instead." (As soon as I said it, I thought, "Really Nancy, let her pick out her own clothes! NO! I argued with myself in split second time...She has to dress for the activity or she'll be miserable.) and the war was now in full swing.
Now the littlest one has decided that she is not going to get dressed at all. She is standing in the room stark naked screaming "I'm cold!" and I say 'Put on some clothes", and she just screams "I'm cold!" Okay, my frustration cup is over-flowing. I opened her underwear drawer, pulled out some panties, an undershirt and a pair of socks and i threw them at her...and I said, "Put these on." and she screamed "OW! You hurt me!".... The ten year old is whining "Please Nancy, don't make me wear that! PLEASE!" And she starts to cry. I walk out and upstairs. I'm furious that THEY are doing this to me!! (but today, I know it was not done 'to me'....)
So, I hear them both screaming and crying and I hear the door being slammed and I don't dare go back down there. I breathe. I sit in a chair in my bedroom with my head in my hands and I offer up a prayer: "Help me, Lord. Help me calm down. Help me let go of things that don't matter." Someone runs up the stairs...the ten yr old who is going skiing today.
"Nancy PLEASE don't make me wear a turtle neck, they don't match my pants!" I couldn't even look up, all I said was, "I'm praying." and she stomps out saying, "why are you being such a jerk?!" Well, that hit the nail right on the head. I was being a jerk. I stayed there and breathed deeply in and out for about a miinute or so. I hear drawers slamming, I hear the girls arguing.
We are gonna be late for school and i am now past the point of caring. I just want them to emotionally chill out so they can go to school and learn and not act out for their teachers. And I want my little skiier to have fun with her class. I made cookies last night for her to take and share with the kids on her bus; and they turned out FABULOUS (Lehi Roller Mills Choc Chip!). I'm ruining the mood for her fun day. I'm so disappointed in myself.
Back and forth for 5-10 min I hear, "I don't wanna wear this!" and I say "Then you can go to work with me today." and she says "I don't wanna go to work with you!" and I say "Then you'll wear a turtleneck." .... "NNnnoooooooO!" and i say 'yes'. What is going on with me? I don't have PMS....because I don't have a uterus or ovaries anymore, so what the hell?
Somehow we make it into the truck and I drive the ten yr old to school first today (she put on a turtleneck) so she won't be late. When we pull up, I get out and go around to her side; I think she knew what I wanted to do and she opened her arms for a hug. I grab her hard and kiss her forehead and tell her I love her and I'm sorry we had a hard morning. I whispered to her to have a great time skiing and I'm so sorry I was bad this morning. I kissed her again and off she went. One down, one to go.
As we drove to the next school, I apologized to my 7 yr old. I said, "I'm so sorry I threw your underwear at you. I will never do that again. Will you forgive me? " and she softly said, "yes". And I replied, "thank you, hon-" . She too got a big hug and a kiss when she got out of the truck. They both seemed okay as they went into their schools.
I was able to vent a little, and repent a little, with my friend John at work. He reassured me that I'm human and it's okay. But still....
LATER THAT DAY: When I picked up my ten yr old at 3:15 I couldn't wait to hear about her ski trip. She said, 'everyone loved the cookies and they asked me if I made them and I said, 'no, my mom did.' (short pause) Is it okay if I call you 'mom'?"
Thank you, Lord. me
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
I'm Ready To Cry
The past couple of weeks have brought about much change in my home, my head and the blood pumping organ in my chest. I have been working with my 7 yr olds' daddy to reunite her with him and it's getting close. But the neat thing is: since she's been having more frequent and longer visits her poor behaviors have almost diminished and her rages have subsided, her self destructiveness has disappeared and her affection has increased ten fold! She is hugging me more, she wants piggy back rides, she puts her hand on my leg when we sit close on the couch and just this afternoon she gave me three quick kisses on my cheek while we were visiting with her therapist.
I know I'm sometimes too much of an optimist, but I am so proud of the father, the child welfare system and the specific worker who is assigned to manage this case because we are beginning weekend visits this week! She will be picked up on Friday around 3p and returned Sunday evening. That's the last step before a 'trial home visit', which usually lasts 30 days and then the foster care portion will be complete. Hopefully, we will never again see this awesome survivor in 'the system' again. She'll have her forever family and I'll have my first child achieve permanency.
This little girl told her therapist today that she is tired of bouncing around from one house to another. She wants to live with her daddy forever and just visit me. I thought I was gonna cry. I am so proud that I've been a small branch in her family tree...that maybe I have encouraged that familial relationship to maintain it's strength...and that I have not been part of any type of sabotage to hurt the parent/child relationship. I, after all, am not in this position of being a foster parent to adopt...I am here to reunite if at all possible; and if not, then I want to help a child find a permanent home, a forever family.
My relationship with all four girls in my home continues to improve. If you know (or if I've said it in a previous blog entry), I can not have children of my own and I really wanted to have the parenting experience while I was still young enough and energetic enough...okay, and optimistic enough :) But I had no freaking idea what I was in for. So, when I say 'I'm ready to cry'...it's happy tears. I am beginning to feel the pang of separation and that means I have learned to attach to a child and to be less self-centered, and those things are all good.
I know I'm sometimes too much of an optimist, but I am so proud of the father, the child welfare system and the specific worker who is assigned to manage this case because we are beginning weekend visits this week! She will be picked up on Friday around 3p and returned Sunday evening. That's the last step before a 'trial home visit', which usually lasts 30 days and then the foster care portion will be complete. Hopefully, we will never again see this awesome survivor in 'the system' again. She'll have her forever family and I'll have my first child achieve permanency.
This little girl told her therapist today that she is tired of bouncing around from one house to another. She wants to live with her daddy forever and just visit me. I thought I was gonna cry. I am so proud that I've been a small branch in her family tree...that maybe I have encouraged that familial relationship to maintain it's strength...and that I have not been part of any type of sabotage to hurt the parent/child relationship. I, after all, am not in this position of being a foster parent to adopt...I am here to reunite if at all possible; and if not, then I want to help a child find a permanent home, a forever family.
My relationship with all four girls in my home continues to improve. If you know (or if I've said it in a previous blog entry), I can not have children of my own and I really wanted to have the parenting experience while I was still young enough and energetic enough...okay, and optimistic enough :) But I had no freaking idea what I was in for. So, when I say 'I'm ready to cry'...it's happy tears. I am beginning to feel the pang of separation and that means I have learned to attach to a child and to be less self-centered, and those things are all good.
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