I Know, I Know - I'm Only Human, But Still....

Yesterday morning was horrible. I'm writing about it because I have to purge myself of this guilty burden; and in my prayers I've found a little space for self-forgiveness; and you have to know that foster parenting is damn hard.
Here's the scenario: I'm watching TODAY to catch up on current events and have a little bit of quiet-me-time before the day begins. I watch the clock tick time away and think 'i gotta get the girls up'. Now, when I say 'the girls', it's just the youngest two (ages 7 & 10) because the older two are gone to school already. But, there was a huge earthquake in Haiti, and I can not bring myself to move away from the news. So, i sit there. And, I sit there....now, we gotta rush.
I go downstairs and turn on their light and say, "Okay, let's go! Get up! Get dressed! We gotta move!"
Moans from under the covers...."I'm tired..." from under the covers....
So, because I selfishly relaxed and took my time to wake up and WHATEVER....now I have to rush these two kids; and one of them is going cross country skiing with her class today...and she should be happy and excited. But, I threw in a parenting control issue to top off the mad rush of the morning. So, as she's falling out of bed with her quilt wrapped around her, I say "Wear one of these turtle neck shirts to go skiing." and the whining begins.... "I don't wanna wear that." and I pull that parent-control-thingy out and I say, "You will wear a turtle neck shirt or you won't go and you can go to work with me, instead." (As soon as I said it, I thought, "Really Nancy, let her pick out her own clothes! NO! I argued with myself in split second time...She has to dress for the activity or she'll be miserable.) and the war was now in full swing.

Now the littlest one has decided that she is not going to get dressed at all. She is standing in the room stark naked screaming "I'm cold!" and I say 'Put on some clothes", and she just screams "I'm cold!" Okay, my frustration cup is over-flowing. I opened her underwear drawer, pulled out some panties, an undershirt and a pair of socks and i threw them at her...and I said, "Put these on." and she screamed "OW! You hurt me!".... The ten year old is whining "Please Nancy, don't make me wear that! PLEASE!" And she starts to cry. I walk out and upstairs. I'm furious that THEY are doing this to me!! (but today, I know it was not done 'to me'....)

So, I hear them both screaming and crying and I hear the door being slammed and I don't dare go back down there. I breathe. I sit in a chair in my bedroom with my head in my hands and I offer up a prayer: "Help me, Lord. Help me calm down. Help me let go of things that don't matter." Someone runs up the stairs...the ten yr old who is going skiing today.
"Nancy PLEASE don't make me wear a turtle neck, they don't match my pants!" I couldn't even look up, all I said was, "I'm praying." and she stomps out saying, "why are you being such a jerk?!" Well, that hit the nail right on the head. I was being a jerk. I stayed there and breathed deeply in and out for about a miinute or so. I hear drawers slamming, I hear the girls arguing.

We are gonna be late for school and i am now past the point of caring. I just want them to emotionally chill out so they can go to school and learn and not act out for their teachers. And I want my little skiier to have fun with her class. I made cookies last night for her to take and share with the kids on her bus; and they turned out FABULOUS (Lehi Roller Mills Choc Chip!). I'm ruining the mood for her fun day. I'm so disappointed in myself.

Back and forth for 5-10 min I hear, "I don't wanna wear this!" and I say "Then you can go to work with me today." and she says "I don't wanna go to work with you!" and I say "Then you'll wear a turtleneck." .... "NNnnoooooooO!" and i say 'yes'. What is going on with me? I don't have PMS....because I don't have a uterus or ovaries anymore, so what the hell?

Somehow we make it into the truck and I drive the ten yr old to school first today (she put on a turtleneck) so she won't be late. When we pull up, I get out and go around to her side; I think she knew what I wanted to do and she opened her arms for a hug. I grab her hard and kiss her forehead and tell her I love her and I'm sorry we had a hard morning. I whispered to her to have a great time skiing and I'm so sorry I was bad this morning. I kissed her again and off she went. One down, one to go.

As we drove to the next school, I apologized to my 7 yr old. I said, "I'm so sorry I threw your underwear at you. I will never do that again. Will you forgive me? " and she softly said, "yes". And I replied, "thank you, hon-" . She too got a big hug and a kiss when she got out of the truck. They both seemed okay as they went into their schools.

I was able to vent a little, and repent a little, with my friend John at work. He reassured me that I'm human and it's okay. But still....

LATER THAT DAY: When I picked up my ten yr old at 3:15 I couldn't wait to hear about her ski trip. She said, 'everyone loved the cookies and they asked me if I made them and I said, 'no, my mom did.' (short pause) Is it okay if I call you 'mom'?"

Thank you, Lord. me

I'm Ready To Cry

The past couple of weeks have brought about much change in my home, my head and the blood pumping organ in my chest. I have been working with my 7 yr olds' daddy to reunite her with him and it's getting close. But the neat thing is: since she's been having more frequent and longer visits her poor behaviors have almost diminished and her rages have subsided, her self destructiveness has disappeared and her affection has increased ten fold! She is hugging me more, she wants piggy back rides, she puts her hand on my leg when we sit close on the couch and just this afternoon she gave me three quick kisses on my cheek while we were visiting with her therapist.

I know I'm sometimes too much of an optimist, but I am so proud of the father, the child welfare system and the specific worker who is assigned to manage this case because we are beginning weekend visits this week! She will be picked up on Friday around 3p and returned Sunday evening. That's the last step before a 'trial home visit', which usually lasts 30 days and then the foster care portion will be complete. Hopefully, we will never again see this awesome survivor in 'the system' again. She'll have her forever family and I'll have my first child achieve permanency.

This little girl told her therapist today that she is tired of bouncing around from one house to another. She wants to live with her daddy forever and just visit me. I thought I was gonna cry. I am so proud that I've been a small branch in her family tree...that maybe I have encouraged that familial relationship to maintain it's strength...and that I have not been part of any type of sabotage to hurt the parent/child relationship. I, after all, am not in this position of being a foster parent to adopt...I am here to reunite if at all possible; and if not, then I want to help a child find a permanent home, a forever family.

My relationship with all four girls in my home continues to improve. If you know (or if I've said it in a previous blog entry), I can not have children of my own and I really wanted to have the parenting experience while I was still young enough and energetic enough...okay, and optimistic enough :) But I had no freaking idea what I was in for. So, when I say 'I'm ready to cry'...it's happy tears. I am beginning to feel the pang of separation and that means I have learned to attach to a child and to be less self-centered, and those things are all good.

The Stuff No One Really Sees

I hired a number of caseworkers during my tenure at DCFS. Most are still there, but today I have two girls in my home that are on the caseload of K.B. (I'm not sure I should use her name without her permission)...KB called me at 8p tonight; she needed to re-schedule our home visit because she just met with one of her new foster families for two hours and she wanted to know if she could come tomorrow instead. So, of course I rescheduled with her....

Many people who criticize DCFS workers never know of the committment they have for their work. Real Social Workers, like KB, love children, believe in families, have integrity and learn how to balance justice and mercy. I am very proud of the workers in Western Region...and the administration who guide and serve with them. I am proud to still be peripherally connected to them as a trainer for the foster parents they place children with.

Child Welfare is a TOUGH job and anyone who can stick with it deserves way more than they currently get from the legislature, the press and the nay-sayers.

She's 13 today!

So, today is the 13th birthday of one of 'my girls'. I asked her today if she thinks her mom is thinking about her. She said, 'what mom?' and I replied "Your birth mom! The mom who gave birth to you." She shrugged. I excitedly said, "Oh, I'm sure she is! You were her first born, she'll never forget this day!" My 13 yr old smiled and asked, 'You think she'll remember me because I was her first baby?". "ABSOLUTELY!" I smiled back.

Last Friday (13th) we had a party at Classic Skating, and I paid for 13 kids to skate and celebrate with us. I videotaped it. I've got her doing the Hokey Pokey with the rest of the skating crowd! I met two of her sisters I had never met before. I was so grateful that these other foster parents (of my kids' siblings) took time out of their lives to share this important day with us.

But today is her actual birthday. My parents sent her 13 crisp dollar bills and she opened that card today. She said, "They even smell new"! She doesn't want to fold them! One of her foster sisters gave her a really cute pink tie-dyed shirt with a giant peace sign on it; which she chose to wear to church. That's cool. You only turn 13 once. And at least she's GOING to church!!

Do you know what she wants to do with the $13? She wants to go to a store and buy everyone in our home their favorite candy bar. Well, I don't say 'no way' often, but I certainly nixed that idea. I want her to spend it on herself. So, she then decided to save 1/2 of it in her bank account and keep the other 1/2 available for reckless spending! :) That I am okay with.

Today I am thinking about her birth mom...is she thinking "I wonder if my baby is happy... I wonder if she is thinking about me? I wonder what she looks like...I wonder....". I will keep her in my prayers today.

Does that birth mom cry on this day? I absolutely will go to my grave believing that she knows what day this is and is thinking about her daughter, who is in my home today, who will be having pot roast, potatoes, corn, rolls and choc chip cookies for dinner, who loves to dance, who loves animals, Miley Cyrus, scary movies and flamin' hot crunchy cheetos....she needs a forever two parent family and I know she is close to getting one!

It's All About the Children...

I talk about it in almost all 8 classes I teach each month, I have guest speakers who reiterate in the telling of their story (Aymee and Stevoni both) that they made choices based on what was best for their kids, not convenient for (or even EXPECTED of) them (as parents). But when the light bulb turns on for me, it isn't 100 watts of understanding. For me, it's a dimmer switch which week by week gets a little brighter.
Today was one of the BEST days I've ever had as a foster mom. It's an uncomplicated answer to a desperate prayer..."God, help me to not take it personally." And I keep the brain tape in loop mode saying: "It's not about you, Nancy, it's about them!" "It's not about you, Nancy, it's about her."
Whatever may tick me off as a foster parent, is NOT directed at me(I know this cognitively, but emotionally...well, I'm human) These kids are working through a bunch of garbage with years of stench built in. They don't trust me yet (and they SHOULDN'T!)...but if I try to 'get even with' a child who is pushing my buttons...well, that's my issue. I don't need to retaliate against a 7 yr old who has years of abuse she is dealing with. I need to hug her, kiss her cheek, stroke her hair and read to her, tickle her, give her choices and praise. I'm getting it! This feels right!

My two oldest girls (13 & 16) went to a youth group meeting at church tonight. They both were wearing zip up sweat shirts (which is very rare...you know teens, they are too cool for sweaters and coats) and so I asked to see what they had on under it. They both had spaghetti strap shirts....not real appropriate for the meeting they were going to. But they already knew that, (that's why they had on sweat shirts, right?!).... so I let them go with their word that they would keep the sweatshirts ON. They both gave me their word. So, we'll see how THAT goes :) But I also know it isnt about pulling one over on the foster mom, it's just that they are teen girls going to a meeting where there will be teen boys. It's not about me. It's about them! And they're AWESOME. : )

My open question to you: Should I insist my teens change their clothes to something more appropriate for the situation, or should I let peer pressure do the parenting for me? I have to pick my battles, right? but I also have to 'parent'.... which means TEACH, MODEL, TEACH, APOLOGIZE...

Share a little Care Giving With Your Caseworkers, too!

It's getting tougher to keep up with this but I will do my best.
Two new girls moved in a week ago, so I have two sets of sibling girls! They are (so far) great for each other; they each have someone to play with; take walks with, ride scooters with :)

There's twice as much to think about with another sibling set; but I have a great caseworker with this second set of sisters. (I actually hired her when I worked at DCFS a number of years ago!) She returns emails very timely. I know she enjoys carmel & chocolate dipped pretzel rods, so I made her two on the night she dropped off the girls. I promise, it doesn't hurt to take care of the caseworkers you work with. DCFS in Utah is pretty broke these days (as many government agencies are, nationwide)...the supervisors there have no funding to buy bikes for their kids, let alone give a worker a $50 'pat-on-the-back' for a job well done. It will serve you well, if you can send them a note of 'thanks' a couple times a year (Mothers Day or Fathers Day and any other time you think of it). Get to know your caseworkers; what motivates them (dipped pretzels?) a note from one of 'their kids' (one of the kids on their caseload); a school picture, an invitation to a graduation, etc.

My first 'i love you, Nancy' ....

It was just a day...nothing special...she's 7 years old and she was walking through the garage to get into my truck and she just turned to me and said, 'i love you, Nancy'. She's one of the bravest kids I've ever met. She's a survivor of a horrible abuse...and she can still love! And she chose to share some of it with me. Sometimes, she blows me away....